“Daddy, do you still love mommy?”

My daughter asked me out of the blue one day, “Daddy, do you still love mommy?” Not only was I surprised by the out of context question, I also hadn’t given this idea any thought in the years since the divorce. So I muster the words and said, “I care for her so she can be the best mommy to you.” Clearly sensing that I was dodging the question, she asked, “Yes, but do you love her?” I looked her in the eyes and said, “No. We’re two different people now.” Feeling her deflated optimism, I followed it up with, “It changes nothing because you are still the focus of both our lives and even though your mom and I parent separately and differently, you are loved by both of us. 200%. That’s what you need to know.” That was probably the most grown-up thing I’ve said in a while!

The consequence of divorce may start off the same for both men and women, but what haunts either in the long term is very different. For men, the initial anger, loss of status, self-esteem and financial stability are usually short lived and can be fully recovered. Although, divorcing men with children can go into a bit of tailspin in being overwhelmed with fatherhood and isolation, so one of two things can happen: they withdraw and have difficulty trusting women or they clean up really well to become the best man / father they can be, especially if they have daughters.  For women, anger, status, self-esteem and financial stability are also worries. But financial stability wears on the mind of women far more and longer than men, generally. Not surprisingly, the larger the income delta between ex-husbands and ex-wives, the greater the resentment which can refuel the anger from their unhitched financial ledger, notwithstanding support payments. Further, depending on whether the ex-husband has withdrawn leaving all child-rearing responsibilities to the woman, the ex-wife grows more resentful and worrisome from the realization that she’s the primary breadwinner with limited or no support. If, on the other hand, the ex-husband has stepped up and taken 50% or more of the share of child-rearing responsibilities and generously supports the child(ren), the ex-wife may feel left out of the benefits and closeness, especially if the social and economic supports are not the same.

Whether daddy loves ice cream, sports cars, old movies or even her mommy, it is all irrelevant to the love for our daughter. All she needs to be concerned about is how much both her parents love and support her.

As with most divorced men, I find myself somewhere on the spectrum of these two positions: I have neither withdrawn nor gained 100% custody. So when my daughter asks if I love her mommy, who is very much involved in her life, I have to be true and honest with myself before I can be true and honest with her. Divorce is rarely a unilateral decision. Even if one party initiates it, the other still has to formally and legally accept it uncontested or go to court to prove otherwise. In any case, the outcome is the same as any arguments for or against the divorce will unlikely change the decision.

My ex-wife and I have bitter exchanges still. It doesn’t have anything to do with either of us anymore. They are conflicts by proxy about and through our daughter usually about her finances. It is critical to understand this nuance; your divorce is final and it’s not personal anymore. In fact, your affairs have now become a spreadsheet. The reason why it remains contentious is because either makes it intentional or does so unintentionally. Nobody wants to be the bad guy in their own narrative and it’s always easier to blame someone else. But how you behave in the worse of time is far more telling and more important than how you behave in the best of time. People don’t always remember the good, but will surely remember the bad. It is so important for the children not to become collateral damage and wind up as orphans of war. It really does hurt them when the two primary anchors in their lives continue the upheaval. If you have extended family around, leverage that, stay close and develop relationships with close cousins, aunts and uncles, etc. The richness in other relationships does dilute the conflict. She needs to believe that even though mommy and daddy live in separate homes, her family isn’t broken.

So whether daddy loves ice creams, sports cars, old movies or even her mommy, it is all irrelevant to the love for our daughter. All she needs to be concerned about is how much both her parents love and support her.