Pandora’s Box was opened when I started the birds and the bees discussions about relationships with my 7 years-old daughter. Since then, our conversations have gotten more technical and a lot more graphic especially when we talked about penetration. Her own experiences in menstruation and school friends expressing their sexual orientation continue to add to her knowledge. But the one thing that I can’t control are suggestive (and even explicit) situations depicted in the media.
My daughter still cringes when she sees people kissing in a movie scene. She got a little uncomfortable (as did I) when we watched Ikaris and Sersi in passionate embrace on a beach in the movie Eternals (2021). Some movies are even more graphic than this. As she gets older, she will be exposed to (and may want to see) increasingly more mature themes that could include nudity and sexual situations. And even if I can filter her consumption of content at home, her peers will share ubiquitous material and we, as parents, wouldn’t even know! So just as it is important to have the sex talk, it’s equally important to get in front of this topic and have the porn talk.
The first thing to know about pornography is that as a precondition, consent must be mandatory. I inquired what is taught at school and my daughter said they spent a lot of time on ‘consent’ in sex-ed. Good. I went further to say that consent is important from everyone. From the people in it, the people who produce it and the people who view it, consent must be given by every adult along that value-chain. No exceptions. I used the analogy of producing a movie or a printed magazine. Every actor, every dialog, every picture and even its presentation must be deliberate. Otherwise, it is illegal. If she finds herself in a situation where she feels uncomfortable for herself or her friends, she must step away and even report it. Tell her she has this voice and must speak up.
As it is important to have the sex talk, it’s equally important to have the porn talk. Pornography means different things to different people. And unfortunately, everything is dumped wrongly into one triple-X bin.
The second thing to know is that pornography has an age limit. Like buying alcohol or tobacco, pornography is only for adults (usually 18+) and it is for the purpose of erotica. It is often used for the purpose of masturbation. Any images depicting underaged people or seen by underage people is absolutely illegal in practically every country in the world. Way back when, I spoke to my daughter about inappropriate touching and how others may not touch anywhere that bathing suit covers. The same rule applies that no pictures are to be taken of her exposing anything that a bathing suit should cover. And even still, pictures of her and her teammates in swimsuits in non-swimming context would be inappropriate and likely fail both consent and age tests.
The third thing to know is that pornography means different things to different people. And unfortunately, everything is dumped wrongly into one triple-X bin. There are statues of nudes in all our history and the ones of David and Aphrodite of Knidos are famous pieces from different cultures and different times. The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian text on sexuality, eroticism and emotional fulfillment. Even today, art students draw live nude models at the center of the circle. It can be done tastefully. In fact, this is an artistic expression of nature’s form. But there will always be those who will judge all nudity as vulgar depictions of sin and domination. Unfortunately, luridness drowns out the natural. But pornography pervades and rather than ignoring it, it’s better to understand it as a dimension that can bring emotional and physical intimacy amongst consenting adults. So just like teaching your child how to swear so they know when it is used against them, so too, do children need to be aware what pornography is and where lines have been blurred.
The conversation with my daughter even ventured into the porn industry being a first mover which has brought significant positive changes to our society. I explained to her that it was Larry Flynt who successfully fought for free speech rights (that we all enjoy) through his legal challenges with multiple First Amendment cases. The porn industry was also instrumental in testing new internet technologies in the late 90s as adopters of age-verification and credit card processing systems.
In this day and age, it is so critical that parents have these discussions with their children (especially daughters). Without guidance from supportive adults talking about how sexual experiences should be, children are left to be informed by their peers and learn misrepresentations from the internet. Sexual awakening is natural and exploration is foreseeable. Give them useful and non-judgmental information so they interpret and openly discuss human sexuality as a healthy expression, not a shameful performance veiled in secret and darkness.
