She may forget that you showed up, but she’ll always remember you weren’t there

A few years back, there was one day I forgot to pick up my daughter from daycare! Yes, I was that dad! I forgot! There was a schedule change and her mom couldn’t go in time, so called me to arrange a one-off pick up. I would bring our daughter home, give her dinner and her mom would swing by the house for a late pick up. Simple. Except it didn’t happen. It wasn’t normally my night and so I stayed late at work, I took the subway home, and then around 7pm, my phone rang. I looked at the call display in white terror. The school had been trying to reach me for nearly an hour.

I apologized to the school administrator profusely. He had sent the aftercare teacher home at 6pm and he was essentially the only child minder in the building. Luckily, his own daughter was in the same daycare group. So as he was working, the two girls just went along playing. When I finally showed up, she didn’t even miss me! He waived the $3 per minute charge but I went out and got him gift certificates anyway the next day.

Over time, she may be seriously pursuing her own individual interests and may not want you there every moment, anyway. Let her extend those invitations to you when she is ready. But you’ll only get these invitations if she knows that you’ll come to them.

Much to my chagrin, my daughter enjoys re-telling me (and others) this story. It may have scarred her for life if she was the only kid left and she had to sit on the door steps of a locked school by herself. But that didn’t happen. Nevertheless, it’s amazing what kids choose to remember. She never once tells the tale that daddy was always there on time to pick her up. Never once tells the tale that daddy goes on numerous school trips as a volunteer. But always recalls the time I didn’t show up and boasts about it. It may be a funny story, but you showing up is important. If you want to see a depressed kid, look no further than a child of divorce waiting to see her parent who doesn’t show up.

At the tender age of seven, she just wants her mom and dad to be around so she can show you her accomplishments and be proud of her. She’s been so much a part of your worlds; now she just wants you to be a part of hers. As she grows older and has more significant achievements in her activities, especially in team sports, she may not want you there at every practice anyway. In fact, most aggressive, over-competitive middle age parents should be banned from attending their kid’s game once they start getting emotional and second guessing coaches and referees. So for now, go and be a proud parent. And let her hang out after the event; don’t just leave or yank her away from her social circle when the event is done.

Eventually, her commitment in group activities or team sports will intensify. She may also be seriously pursuing her own individual interests and will not want you there every moment. Let her extend those invitations to you when she is ready. But you’ll only get these invitations if she knows that you’ll come to them. Your track record will decide that.