I’ve written more than enough about this topic. And it’s now happening to my daughter. She’s in an unfortunate situation of trying to appease a friend. The short retort? Why do it? It’s an energy sucking, unending goal with no clear and conclusive objective. Although that may not be true 100% of the time and the dismissive tone does seem abrupt, mean and even antisocial. But in fact, as my daughter is finding out, it’s the opposite of all of those. Here’s why.
My daughter loves to hang out with her friends and amongst them are a handful of besties. It almost doesn’t matter what they do, so long as they do it together and commiserate. Then one day, one of her new besties decided that she didn’t want to share my daughter with other girls—particularly the ones the bestie didn’t get along with. My daughter found it odd and a bit possessive and said that she couldn’t hang out exclusively with one person. She has different friends for different things. Some are shopping, stylish, trade-clothes-with gal pals. Some are intellectual and they understand and correct each other on the Clone Wars anthology. Others are emotional soulmates who lean on each other because of similar family situations. In short, one person simply couldn’t be all things to her, any more than eating pasta everyday will round out a complete and diverse diet. These types of possessive struggles on the part of this bestie have been happening over weeks and months until one day, my daughter simply told this sadden bestie that she’s weighing her down. With the gradual erosion of trust, security and even self-confidence, my daughter had no recourse but to put a hastened end to the sometime suffocating isolation this bestie wanted.
My daughter wasn’t mean about it. In fact, she was compassionate in that she shared this with her other friends. Some reacted negatively and told my daughter to ignore the bestie. Others sneered and made fun of the whole thing. But a few were sympathetic and saw my daughter’s attempt to build bridges where the bestie can’t or won’t. But in the end, they were all spurned. Feeling dejected, the bestie even skipped school as she felt she had no friends. My daughter texted her to ask where she was in class as teachers were asking. She got either terse or no replies.
If she tried to make her bestie happy, she would not only be subservient to the decisions of others, but she surrenders her own choice and self-determination that she is developing with others.
And finally, my daughter’s refusal to be the bestie’s only friend isn’t antisocial. In fact, it was just a declaration that this friendship under this condition stifles the development of other friendships. There are other elements and facets of that bestie friendship that are worth preserving. The rebuff of one aspect doesn’t mean a denunciation of the whole. Fences and boundaries are good not only for neighbors, but also friends. Social separation is not unfriendly but a show of respect for another’s personal pursuits.
Appeasing her bestie and making her happy would only feed the (sometimes unknown) neuroses her besties is exhibiting. My daughter could fall trap into giving in to other things that will define and limit her own behavior and thinking. Ultimately, if she tried to make her bestie happy, she would not only be subservient to the decisions of others, but she surrenders her own choice and self-determination that she is developing with others.
By refusing her besties’ request, my daughter not only did herself a favor, but her bestie as well. She liberated both from a spiraling cycle of dependence. In due course, the best and only way out is to be patient, understanding and compassionate. This is achieved ironically by first saying no.
