Discretion may be the better part of valor, but candor is the better part of courage

The first time, my daughter had a sleepover with a non-family household, she had the time of her life. She was 6 years-old and stayed up until midnight playing games and chit-chatting. Then she told her mom all about it and she freaked out for days. I felt her reaction was disproportionate and even after I had addressed all her concerns, which were not surprisingly different from my own, she was not moved. This confused our child and it was the first time that I had known my daughter to purposely contain her emotions with her mother. Since this incident, I have noticed my daughter evaluate her mother’s reaction before she expresses an opinion. While this is a very empathetic approach to communications, self-monitoring discussions with a parent like this seems to be unfortunate and unnecessary, especially since very little a child does at this age is done without parental knowledge or permission.

My ex and I parent differently. I let our daughter take calculated risks and allow her to make mistakes and experience failures. She walks to the library on her own, and for short periods of time, she stays at home alone. Her mom may have different approaches and timelines for these things, but for me, my child’s demeanor and maturity is what informs me on whether she is ready or not. I don’t push her to do anything nor do I hold her back on things she’s ready to do. With support in place, my daughter has had many first experiences when she’s with me: getting ears pierced, riding shotgun in the car (on a booster), and coming back home from school on her own. Even when she got into a fight at school, my daughter knows that my reaction is more negative if she withholds something from me than if she had just told me in the first place. She knows I am more interested in the why and if she can logically convince me of her decisions and choices, then I will do what I can to support her. But she also knows that there are certain things that I will definitely say no to. I am very predicable when it comes to raising my daughter and she clearly knows her boundaries with me. This is helpful for both of us whether the discussion is school, friends or eventually boys.

Kids who lie aren’t evil or are lost causes. The concern isn’t that they are deceptive, but why they need to be. Often it is our reactions that drive them to edit the truth. To encourage your child to be more candid, you’d have to first examine how critical and disapproving your own reactions can be to things they do that you don’t agree with.

But for some of my daughter’s friends whose parents are more customary, they’d tell their parents stories about something that didn’t happen to take the focus away from what had actually happened. My daughter tells me these tales and I see right through it and I’m sure their parents do too, since kids are horrible liars. Kids who lie aren’t evil or are lost causes. In fact, kids who lie are actually pretty crafty as they have to invent an alternative reality and then convince you to believe that! The concern isn’t that they are deceptive, but why they need to be. Often it is our reactions that drive them to edit the truth. Albeit, there are going to be things we will simply forbid them to do, but often, healthy growing kids are energetically bumping up against the outdated boundaries we have placed on them since they were toddlers. As such, it’s easy to understand why some kids would rather ask for forgiveness than permission. To them, dealing with the aftermath and getting into trouble may be a better short-lived alternative than to listen to a parent’s unending broadcasts of no’s.

To encourage your child to be more candid, you’d have to first examine how critical and disapproving your own reactions can be to things they do that you don’t agree with. Then perform a simple litmus test for disclosure by your child: can it stand the light of day? Will she still do it if everyone knows about it? Will she still do it if it was done to her? If what your child does isn’t hurtful, dangerous, inappropriate or illegal and if it served no advantage for your child to withhold the information (like a surprise), then you might rather your daughter focus her energies on just being a kid instead of her worrying about your reactions which she can’t control anyway.

While discretion may be the better part of valor, candor is the better part of courage. I’ve always told my daughter to tell the honest truth about herself, regardless of how people react to it. She cannot control how others will behave but it doesn’t change her truth. Her mom didn’t like her having sleepovers. Maybe she felt our child wasn’t ready or she didn’t plan it for our daughter. But it didn’t affect the enjoyment of that experience. The same was true for sitting in the front seat of the car. When my daughter is done sitting there, she moves her booster to the back seat to postpone telling her mom. I told her that eventually she’ll be caught and if that happens, then be honest about it. Candor speaks of courage and conviction. She says, “I will tell mom if she asks.” I flashed her a sideways look and left it at that. If she wants something badly enough, she’ll put a plan in place. She’s also learning that there will always be people to dissuade her simply because they disagree with her. She’s smart enough and she’ll figure out her own timing. I’ll support her, but this isn’t something I can do for her.