“No, you may not play ‘spin the bottle!’”
pride myself as a fairly liberal and open-minded dad. I try to get in front of my daughter’s learning curve when it comes to the birds and the bees. I sat her down and taught her how and why people swear when she came home with the f-word. I even understood the reason and supported her when she got into a fight. But one night, I reacted very viscerally and authoritatively when she wanted to play spin the bottle with other kids!
The first time I played spin the bottle was in Grade 7. We were on a 5-day/4-night school field trip to Quebec City. It may have been the foreign atmosphere or the French influence, but this Canadian city made everyone feel very…détendu. There was a small group of us in a hotel room and whomever the spinning bottle wound up pointing was the person who had to tell a truth or perform a dare. There was a girl I fancied and I got the chance to kiss her. Back then, I thought French kissing meant kissing a French girl in a French town. Well, one out of two ain’t bad! We must have embraced a bit longer than the game required and then I learn what French-kissing really was. Nothing much more than kisses and revelations were made that night. Decades later, I still remember that evening fondly. But that was then and this is now.
We know our daughters to be sensible, not reckless. But we didn’t know much about the other boys and how far they would push. As a father, my actions, reactions and overreactions will etch heavily on my daughter’s mind so I need to be careful what and how I say things that don’t come out as reprimands and deterrents that are laced with discouragements. Otherwise, even good intentions would backfire. Ultimately, it’s about my very real fear of my daughter growing up too fast.
My daughter and I attended dinner at a good friend’s house. He and his wife have a son and daughter around the same age as mine and our kids know each other quite well. Another couple was there and they had their two boys, all five kids were roughly the same age. After swimming, dinner and roasting marshmallows, the adults retired indoors while the kids sat by the fire. Then one of the two boys came in asking for a bottle to spin. The mother of the two boys was the first to react and immediately bolted outside to the fire to disband the group with words directed at her own boys. I looked at my friend as we both have a daughter and smiled, shaking our heads. We know our daughters well. We weren’t going to charge out there, dragging our daughters back, rescuing them; we know our daughters to be sensible, not reckless. But we didn’t know much about the other two boys and how far they would push. We will talk to our girls on our own time rather than in front of the boys. The game might not even be their idea. Nevertheless, we waited by the door for our daughters to come in.
On our return home, I casually asked if she knew what the game was. She told me she did. Would you have kissed one of the boys, I asked her? “No, I’m not into kissing, but I wanted to play the truth part of the game.” I don’t think the game works like that; it’s both truth AND dare. And you can’t pick your partner. In a way, it eliminates your ability to choose. “Well that’s not fun anymore.” It’s probably best that it wasn’t played. “Yeah!” In a few short sentences, my daughter completely eviscerated the mystique of the game.
As a father, I know that my actions, reactions and overreactions will etch heavily in my daughter’s mind so I need to be careful what and how I say things that don’t come across as deterrents and reprimands laced with discouragements. Otherwise, even good intentions would backfire. I want (need) her to be the vanguard of propriety and to uphold her own standards as I can’t be there for her all the time. In this case, the game wasn’t her idea and she didn’t fully grasp the rules. Once she did, she disagreed and didn’t feel bound to follow them. Since she discovered the flaw in the game, she had lost interest it in. And since she was only interested in the truth part of the game, she directly asks.
As a man, I know the game of the hunt. I have been on the receiving end of spurn from many those chased. Even though I am a father of a daughter now, I once was a footloose, hormone drenched young man with only one thing in mind. So who better to enlighten my daughter about this game than a former hunter? The best way I can assure that my daughter make good decisions is to make sure that I keep really open communications with her so she can talk to me about things for as long as possible. I just hope I don’t screw up these opportunities with personal bias, judgment and the very real fear of my daughter growing up too fast.