Giving and receiving, same same

It’s not just a much more verbose passage from Luke 6:38; it’s a universal concept. Giving is itself a declaration that you are not without since you cannot give something you do not have. And therefore, giving speaks of the richness of what you possess and the generosity you are capable. Yet our society, as it often is, is upside down and does everything backwards. Amassing gives the collector the illusion that he has accumulated much all the while showing his vast emptiness that requires filling. To paraphrase Neale Donald Walsh, when inward experience has been achieved, outward observation is not necessary. And if outward observation is necessary, inward experience is not possible. You can still be a secular man and avail yourself to these wisdoms not just on exalted days, but every day and for everyone.

My daughter and I have been experimenting with new recipes during the pandemic lockdown. We’ve definitely contributed to the flour shortage. One of the recipes we tried was donuts in a deep fryer. We made nearly 2 dozen. Each was of a different size and shape and my daughter took care to decorate some with chocolate drizzle, sprinkles or cinnamon/sugar coating. It was better than store bought ones and we must have eaten 2 or 3 each at one sitting! I told my daughter to pack up a dozen to bring to her mom but she won’t see her for a few more days and I don’t think the donuts would keep. And as tasty as they were, I certainly wasn’t going to have anymore. So I said, “Put the nicest ones on a plate and we’ll give them to our next door neighbor.” To my surprise, my daughter staunchly refused citing that she loves her donuts too much to share. You’d think we’re giving away a basket of puppies!

 

Lessons of bounty and compassionate exchange with another person to truly uplift their experience aren’t something that can be put into a donation bag. The motive has to be genuine; without any expectation of profit or return. Only then, will the giver get as much as the receiver. 

 

It’s not that she is not familiar with the concept of philanthropy since she volunteers at school by collecting clothing for donation or organizing food drives. But this time, donating involves more than giving up her time and her old garments; it actually involved the parting of her deliberate creation from joyful hard work. Lessons of bounty and compassionate exchange with another person to truly uplift their experience aren’t something that can be put into a donation bag, I explained. We have so much (over two dozen) and the neighbor (with a young child) has none. The child may not have even tasted homemade donuts before. From this perspective, we have more than we can consume and sharing (even if less than half) will elevate everyone’s feeling of having. So after nearly 30 minutes, she acquiesced, albeit reluctantly, but still managed to snap back, “How will we get our plate back?”

Three days later, my daughter and I were in the backyard and our neighbor called out to us. They walked over and explained what was cling-wrapped onto our plate. To our delight, it was homemade bolinhos de bacalhau or Portugese cod fish cakes. The old expression of ‘many happy returns’ was made manifest by one simple act of giving; her giving gesture was reciprocated with a new food that she’d never tried before. I don’t think I could have choreographed this any better even if I had tried.

Will it change the world? Baby steps. We were fortunate that overcoming her initial reluctance to give resulted in a shared gesture that enriched everyone’s experience. If nothing else, it was positive reinforcement that kindness is contagious and reciprocity is inevitable. I wanted my daughter to do more than just go through the motions of being kind and to do more than just go through the actions of volunteering. And as much as I want to encourage her to act this way, I also can’t push too hard or she’ll resentfully do it for the wrong reasons. Worse, perpetual givers will attract perpetual takers and create an unhealthy dependency. The motive has to be genuine and without any expectation of profit or return.  Only then, would the giver get as much as the receiver. Teach by doing so children learn that true giving comes only from one place. It will be contrived to do it in any other way.