One of my daughter’s childhood friends and she keep each other on their chat lists and they exchange messages occasionally. Often the friend asks what my daughter is doing during school hours. Her reply is always, I’m in class. He inquires to see if she’d be interested in hanging out. No, I’m in school. And I have swim after school. Silence. A few days later, she got another message asking if she’d come over to the house to hang since his parents are out. My daughter smelled something foul and asked what they would do. The reply was that he has a few friends over. They are going to watch TV and vape. My daughter went silent and left him unanswered.

This happens with enough frequency that I am beginning to question whether I should tell the kid’s dad, who also happens to be a good friend of mine. What would I say? ‘Hey, your son is a druggie and tends to skip school…often.’ ‘Hey, your son is constantly hassling my daughter to come over wanting to be up to no good.’ ‘Hey, your son has bong parties at the house when you’re not home.’ Hey, is this even my business?

I debated the last question and two reasons drove me to be honest with my buddy.

It is far more important to consider the intention of the message and why it was sent versus how it would be received.

What if his kid OD’d and I didn’t say anything. How can I face my friend knowing what I know and withheld this information—essentially putting his kid at risk just to save my friendship. There would be all sorts of questions being asked and warning signs sought. The parents would blame themselves for not seeing the problem and asked if I knew. Would that be the time to say ‘yes, I knew because my daughter told me but I didn’t tell you because…it’s none of my business.’ The friendship would surely end and the parents would be worse off. I would also be blamed because I had the power to act but chose not to.

The second reason is to ask myself whether I would want to know if it was my child who had a drug problem. I most certainly would and would even thank my friend for giving me this information. The ‘not-my-business’ excuse doesn’t apply to friends and family when it comes to life and death matters. Actually, when what’s at stake is so paramount, it’s everyone’s business! My friend is my friend because he is vested in my well-being and I, his. Our kids are simply extensions of this circle.

Regardless of how the news will be delivered, it is less important than the message itself. I can’t think of trampled feelings or my friend’s preparedness for this information as a condition for disclosure. I think to myself that it is far more important to consider the intention of the message and why it was sent versus how it would be received.

So yes, I didn’t waste any time and told my friend because I care enough to let him know that something isn’t right.