Stop the whining
We woke up one Saturday morning looking forward to a lazy day of doing anything we wanted (or nothing at all). My daughter was in her room playing and I was still in bed reading some emails on my phone. Finally around 9 o’clock (this is really sleeping in!), I got up to make breakfast. The house smelled of your typical All-American breakfast of scrambles eggs, sausage and bacon, potato browns and toast. It was complete with coffee, milk and freshly squeezed orange juice. My daughter came down the stairs and looked at the table with what I thought would be surprise and delight. But instead, blurted out, “I wanted pancakes” and started to pout!
Not only was I surprised at her dismissive comment, I felt much unappreciated. I was so ticked off at her ungrateful attitude, I told her to that if she didn’t want to eat, she can stay upstairs because I would rather enjoy my breakfast in peace and quiet than to have it ruined with her whining and complaining. She read my mood immediately and apologized. She proceeded to get the knives and forks and we sat down to a very tasty breakfast. However, she didn’t say a word to me for a good 10 minutes fearing that I would rip her head off.
While her expectations was very reasonable, her timing was not. Complaining about it after the fact when there was no contribution is the one sure way of getting labeled as demanding and unreasonable. And to add insult to injury, she was still entitled to pout about it and be upset with me?!? Really? Whining is a consequence of a choice (they felt) they didn’t have. Ask them to get involved or to think of and provide alternatives. Until that happens, they get what they get and then won’t be upset.
After more bacon and a second cup of coffee, I was sufficiently calm enough to say to my daughter that her expectation for pancakes was very reasonable for a Saturday morning — except for the timing. I said that if she wanted pancakes in the morning, she could have asked before or help me make it. Complaining about it after the fact and especially when there was no contribution is the one sure way of getting her labeled as demanding and unreasonable. And to add insult to injury, even though she was being demanding and unreasonable, she was still entitled to pout about it and be upset with me?!? Really? I see a lot of people out there behaving badly like this. I don’t put up with it out there and I certainly won’t at my dining table.
She got it right away. I guess this is why I started this blog at Grade One. To paraphrase an earlier statement, it is at this mile marker of Grade One that a child is exposed to new content and possesses the necessary thought process and language skills to ignite a truly precious father and daughter conversation. We proceeded to have a great day afterwards. I don’t recall what we did that afternoon, but from that point on, my daughter has never complained about breakfast. In fact, she makes pancakes and can use the waffle iron herself (with supervision). Till this day, she likes drizzling the batter onto the frying pan and making smiley faces by lining up mini chocolate chips.
It seemed like a valuable lesson for my daughter which stuck. Unless there are too many things going on causing her to forget, stressed out, or she feels she didn’t get a choice over something important, she rarely complains about things. And even if she does complain, she recovers quickly and tries to do something about it so that the situation doesn’t persist. If you are grappling with similar situations, fight the urge to snap and bite their heads off. Let them know that whining is a consequence of a choice (they felt) they didn’t have and ask them to get involved or to think of and provide alternatives. Until that happens, they get what they get and then won’t be upset. Give them the ability to affect their own outcomes. You want them to become independent one day? Well, one day doesn’t happen all of a sudden one day. It happens now — in little bits and pieces. And over bacon and potato browns is a very good place to start.