On a regular weeknight, I was helping my daughter with some math homework. The doorbell rang and I went to answer it. It was a friend of mine who wanted to drop something off. My one-on-one attention with my daughter was redirected. After some minutes, my daughter was visibly annoyed at the disruption and I was silently disturbed by her impatience and rudeness. If I was a child and did that when my parents’ friends came over, their reactions would be far less restraint and the experience wouldn’t end well for me.

When my friend left, I immediately turned to my daughter and told her that her behavior was not appropriate nor was it acceptable. I asked her if she would rather I keep our visitor at the door waiting. Or kick him out immediately after he had dropped things off? Perhaps we shouldn’t have visitors at all! Typical as I do, I let out frustrations and disappointment and I don’t mince words. It’s a way for me to blow off steam situationally rather than take a passive aggressive approach and say things are fine, sulk and then erupt without warning much later. Consequences and discussions need to be immediate (or quickly followed-up). Otherwise, the relevance and substance will diminish over time.

I looked at her and said, “There’s a lot of things I do and a lot of people I talk to in order to keep our household running and our lives fulfilled. Not every conversation is with you. And not every conversation is about you.” She listened with apprehension. “You know exactly what it’s like because you’ve told me that in the schoolyard, sometimes a third friend interjects. And it has little to do with the friend and everything to do with timing.”

 

She may have acted emotionally which prompted me to react opposingly to something I thought I saw. 

 

I went to bed that night wondering if spending so much time with my daughter was doing her a disservice. Much of our lives is just father / daughter. Should I pull back? She has no siblings. We don’t often get together with cousins as families are busy. Should I do more to encourage independence? Or should I bet the whole farm and keep on pressing on and keep building our foundation of communication, so she is not left wanting? I am again at a crossroad in parenthood.

The next morning, I decided to speak no more of the night’s transgression. After reflection, she doesn’t meet the definition of a narcissist; she’s just a kid. I can’t judge her only on her behavior when she’s with me. With her friends, she’s actually quite sociable, conscientious and empathetic. She doesn’t have an inflated sense of self and doesn’t exhibit aggressive behavior to diminish others. She doesn’t vacillate between righteous superiority and defeatist inferiority. And above all, she exhibits no defiant, cunning behavior to undermine others.

She may have acted emotionally which prompted me to react opposingly to something I thought I saw. Pulling back on this might lead her to compensate and overcompensate and I could inadvertently create narcissism where there was none. So, I think treating her with patience, respect and helping her build her own confidence so she doesn’t feel abandoned when I’m not there would be an appropriate and same course of action I’ve always taken. Keep calm and carry on, dad!