Recognize the deteriorating mental state of the single dad
Raising a child is emotionally demanding, more so if you’re a single dad. Extremely so if you have more than one child. It is also physically exhausting. The demands for your time are severe. Add on the financial pressure in a time of global pandemic and dads who are on their own with little or no help are literally hanging on for the world to stop spinning!
I am a majority custody father where my daughter goes to see her mom every other weekend. As my only child is getting older and requires less direct childcare, I can mostly handle the stress of parenthood (along with driving her to all her extracurricular activities). I can also manage the unrelenting demands of work and the impossible dysfunction of my own sibling family. More than occasionally, I will even tolerate the erosion of tranquility from a still-resentful ex-wife. But sometimes, when all these demands peak at the same time, it is easy for me to lose it and even the littlest thing would cause me to snap. Unfortunately, my daughter has been both the witness and recipient of some of those outbursts. What I feel is definitely not unique.
Not a month goes by without me collapsing from frustration, exhaustion and sometimes even in muted tears. But I know that tomorrow, I will have another day of experience and courage.
The first step toward dealing with any stresses is to recognize that it is real and legitimate. While men can assert much self-control and fortitude, stoicism is good only for Harlequin novels. Internalizing it will harm you. And regardless of how invincible you think you are; stress is destructive and it will corrode everything in your life. For many men, divorce and the isolation of single parenting can knock them off center. For me, I felt alone and isolated. It wasn’t until I reached out and actually sought help did I realize that the prison was mostly of my own design.
But addressing our mental states and potentially overcoming depression is only half the battle. The stresses of fatherhood are lifelong and so we, as dads, need to develop coping mechanisms for the long term. It is not enough to temporarily deal with the problem; that approach only kicks it down the timeline. My ex-wife loves to take a run at me for all sorts of nuisance. Whether it is access, coordinating timetables or money, she can create maximum friction with her passive aggressive stonewalling. I realized very early that no amount of logic will be effective against her. So I pushed back. Hard. Even taking her back to court. It worked for me and my daughter received all the benefits. This may be an extreme approach, but I wanted her to think twice before picking a fight with me. Her behavior has long stopped being acceptable to me and so I wanted her to know that if she throws stones, I’ll throw grenades. Stresses don’t go away; they only snowball. You must find a way to deal with it.
At the end of the day, we are not part-time dads or fair-weather dads. We are not weekend-dads or Disney-dads. Regardless of custody situation and access times, we will always be our children’s father. My ex-wife and I made a deliberate decision to start a family. Just because husband and wife ended the marriage, it doesn’t mean that I stopped doing what’s important for my daughter. I recognize who I’m doing it for and that gives me strength. It’s ironic that what gives me pause also gives me purpose. For me, not a month goes by without me collapsing from frustration, exhaustion and sometimes even in muted tears. But I know that tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow, I will have another sleep (even if restless). And tomorrow, I will have another day of experience and courage.
