Very early on, I noticed that girls and boys operate differently. Years ago, when I went to pick up my daughter from daycare, I noticed that she was walking ahead of a group of boys each struggling to carry a stone that none of them would have been able to carry by themselves. What immediately struck me was that the boys cooperated and used their muscles to affect the environment. The second thing that struck me was that my daughter using her limited 4 year-old language skills to persuade the boys where the fort was to be built.
Fast forward a decade, boys’ cooperation with each other has given way to emergent individual brawn. But for girls, their language and cognitive skills have increased exponentially. Couple this with puberty already in full bloom, boys and girls often struggle to communicate and relate to each other. What complicates matters further is that when they do try, the expectation of ‘asking out’ and their inexperience creates unease which often results in fumbled, awkward encounters. At the end of the day, boys walk away thinking that girls are too aloof and girls walk away thinking that boys are just Neanderthals. My daughter has had a few experiences where boys have shown interest in her. And as frankly as I am with her, she is to me and so begins this dialog.
…boys walk away thinking that girls are too aloof and girls walk away thinking that boys are just Neanderthals…
If you like them as friends, don’t date them. Dating changes the dynamics and unless both parties are old enough and secured enough in their own skin, being in a relationship without understand what a relation is for can have limiting impacts on the natural growth of the individual. This is as true in adults as it is for teenagers.
If they asked you out and you refuse, don’t ignore them. My daughter was asked out by a boy she really enjoyed being with…in a group setting. They were in the same extracurricular activity, they shared the same interests and heading to the same high school in the following year. Their futures were bright…until it became awkward. All of a sudden, his asking her out became the defining moment of their friendship. I said to my daughter all he did was express verbally what he felt emotionally and tentatively. Recognize the courage. It erases none of the shared moments that built the friendship over the years. He valued the friendship enough to elevate it. Don’t penalize him by putting up a wall and taking away what he already had.
Don’t be mean to them. I also told my daughter that it is also not necessary to be additionally punitive and antagonistic. The boy was neither mean nor hurtful. Unrequited affections can itself be devastating. It doesn’t need to be wrapped in hostility also. Be the bigger person and demonstrate that you’ve moved forward and invited him to make the choice also. Be friendly and see if both of you can get past it.
I truly believe that men and women can have non-romantic friendships. Not only is this very much possible, but it is actually very beneficial. And while not all relationship starts in a picture-perfect moment, the first awkward ones need not define the others that follow.
