How I helped my daughter deal with her bully
There’s one girl in my daughter’s class that is spoken about often. Suzie (obviously not her real name), did this today. Suzie wanted me to play with her. Suzie got upset when I didn’t play with her. Suzie doesn’t like the friends I play with. Suzie hid my pencil case today. Suzie scratched me. Suzie said a bad word today. Suzie this, Suzie that. I began to see an escalating pattern emerge from what my daughter was telling me: Suzie is a burgeoning bully.
The first thing I did was to reaffirm with my daughter that she must never do anything she is not comfortable with. The second thing I reaffirm with her is that she can talk to me (and her mom) about anything and she will never get in trouble for telling or talking about something. The third thing I told her is that the next time Suzie asked her to do something she didn’t want to do, then tell her to her face you didn’t want to and then walk away. I also gave her a preview in that I bet Suzie will get upset (yes, it did happen) but she will come back to you (yes, that happened too). The next day, Suzie came back to hustle my daughter for more naughtiness.
If you suspect your daughter is being intimated, listen to what she says carefully and take her seriously. Address your daughter’s problems with overbearing kids before they become serious bullying issues. There is never a bad time to start. I guarantee you; the skills she learns will become essential when she is an adult because bullies aren’t just a grade school problem.
Later I found out that Suzie has an older brother who bullies her at home and she’s simply acting out what she experiences as normal and acceptable. At the age of 6, my daughter was experiencing signs of being bullied by one who was bullied herself. While there is nothing I can do about other kids and the way they are parented, there are many things I can do for my child. If your child is experiencing similar things, try this 4-point approach
- Take what your daughter tells you seriously. Always keep the communications open with your child and never minimize their problem. Saying things like, “Suzie is just playing with you” or “Ask her to stop” are completely ineffective and disempowering methods to deal with an overbearing kid. You don’t ask a bully to do anything for you.
- Don’t speak to the bully or the bully’s family. You are trying to empower your daughter, so why are you taking actions? Your daughter will get it twice as bad as the bully retaliates when you are not around. Not surprisingly, parents get very defensive about their kids. Speaking to the parents will add to your daughter’s misery. They will deny their kid is a bully as their primary interest isn’t your child. Yes, ask the teacher to monitor, but ultimately they can’t be watching over your child all the time, either. You cannot fix your daughter’s problem; the teacher cannot fix your daughter’s problem; those parents will do nothing to fix your daughter’s problem. Your daughter is the only one who can.
- Encourage your daughter to speak her mind and to follow through with her words. (The way she learned it from you.) “Suzie, you’re mean and I don’t like you. I don’t want to be around you.” And walk away. Keep the script simple. Assure her that she will need to do this more than once. Do not ever be lured back by Suzie’s pacifying attempts; they are lies. Generally, bullies seek control over others as a way to compensate for a lack of their internal control. Only when bullies see that their words and actions have no effect on your daughter will they move on and try to exert control over others. Neither you, nor your daughter will be able to stop Suzie from bullying; that’s not your goal. The goal is to help your daughter to stop Suzie from bullying her.
- No matter what, take your daughter’s side. Even if it got physical to a point where your daughter hits the bully, it was the bully’s fault. Period. The moment your daughter feels she does not have unconditional support from you is the moment your father/daughter relationship begins to crumble.
As with any problem, act quickly, deliberately and monitor continuously. Address your daughter’s problems with overbearing kids before they become serious bullying issues. And it is never too late to help your daughter deal with her bullies at school. If she comes home with scratches and physical bruises, have trouble sleeping and a general aversion to go to school, solicit necessary medical and psychological help. Depending on the severity, the police may need to be involved. But ultimately, your job is to make sure that your daughter recovers and becomes stronger as a person to deal with bullies on her own. There is never a bad time to start. I guarantee you, this skill will become essential when she is an adult because bullies aren’t just a grade school problem.
As for Suzie, she has gone on to terrorize other kids. My daughter has learned something valuable and will be better prepared for the next person who tries to bully her.