Astrophysics tells us that our cosmos unfolds in an orderly fashion with matter coalescing under gravity and evolving infinite combinations of possibilities over time. It may be a leap, but our own development is similar in the sense that our state at any particular point in time, is just that: a non-permanent state which will change. Observe when our children feel the height of elation, they think they have hit their peak and nothing else can beat it, not knowing that there are greater things to come. Conversely, every time they sink to a low, they think it’s the end of the world and it will be like this forever. It is when they feel small and insignificant that we need to help our kids know that it is not the end. And that no matter how small they might feel, they are consequences of much greater things. In my experience, I have discovered three common sources of anxieties for tween girls.
Matter. At this age, our kids spend far more time away from us than they do with us. They interact with their surroundings and their nascent personalities are literally being shaped by a bombardment of influences from school, extracurricular activities and especially friends. More explicitly, their networks to their peers can be far more contributory to the develop of their personality than genetics and parenting. Friendships, their struggles and breakups are essential parts of this formation and vital rehearsal for what’s to come. As I look back, I recall only one, maybe two, childhood friends as most of my closest, I have yet to meet from high school and college days. This is not uncommon and will likely repeat for your daughter. Unless there is something nefarious requiring intervention, let the development happen in a natural way.
What we as adult have failed to remember is that unhurried inspiration is only matched by timeliness imagination.
Gravity. Kids don’t need a lot but they must know that at least one parent, above all else, loves them in the way they need to be loved. Anything else is a bonus. We must take the bubble wrap off their childhood and treat them like they are an emerging adult. Hear them out, be empathetic to their concealed emotions and give them space. Trust them. And they will trust you back. When kids know that you are not only their safe haven, they will always come back to your safe harbor. Regardless of how far they go and how long they’ve gone, in the end, your mutual influences on each other will always bind you back together. Full circle is inevitable. But that interaction is mostly dependent on us as parents and can range between delicate orbits of strong personalities to cataclysmic collision.
Time. This is the one thing that parents and child will have completely different perspectives. For them, it is stand-still and eternal; for us it is madness and years will seem like minutes. Children’s feelings of euphoric static permanence are often obliterated by our incessant and disruptive push for them to overcome their own inertia. Parent and children coexisting in different yet imperceptible temporal zones often resulting in a clash of wills. Hurry up and wait often aptly and correctly sums up parent child interactions. What we as adult have failed to remember is that unhurried inspiration is only matched by timeliness imagination. What might just be an epoch may seem like eons but why are we hastening their childhood? There is only one path (they will grow up) and isn’t the journey far more important than the destination?
As with most things in life, it is what’s unseen that is often more important. Even the things we do see is only a moment in time. And in the grand scheme of things, it is not the end state. As parents, we control a lot. We need to let go more because we don’t and can’t control everything—even in our own lives, much less the lives of others. Believe that we are good parents and we are raising good kids. Stand back and watch grand events unfold.
