I gave my daughter the house key

My daughter and I walked into a LEGO store one day. Like two kids in a candy store, we didn’t want to leave. I really wanted to buy the 7000 piece Millennium Falcon. It also had an out of this world price tag to match. My daughter’s taste was more modest and we left with a $5 item. I asked my daughter what she was going to put at the end of this LEGO Friends keychain. She thought long and hard and said that she was going to put her bike lock key on it. Then I thought long and hard and said, “Well, daddy has a house key on the keychain, would you like a copy of the house key?” She screamed in excitement. I think I temporarily lost my hearing in the left ear.

Ever since the one time I forgot or the other times being late for school or camp pick up, she had mentioned that if she were older, she would have called me on her own phone and gone home to wait. There were other times when I felt that she would have preferred to be at my house instead and so I thought a key would be especially symbolic for her to have.

Giving children the house key is a milestone in responsibility. It demonstrates trust, autonomy and inclusion. This simple gesture elevates the entire relationship.

I threaded a spare key to the ring of her keychain and gave her a couple of instructions. We don’t write our name, phone number or address to the keychain in case it gets lost. She agreed. We don’t show off and pass it around to friends to impress them. She agreed. And, of course, she is not to use this key by herself and it doesn’t mean she can walk alone or take the bus to daddy’s house. She agreed. In fact, she doesn’t really have an opportunity to use it at this age anyway, but that’s not why I gave it to her. She tucked it into her little change purse where she keeps school pizza money. This purse was zipped in a special compartment of her school backpack. For her, the key was also symbolic. I can never know what was on her mind, but whatever it was, it made her feel very grown up and valued.

Giving children the house key is a milestone in responsibility. They may not even have the opportunity to use it and it is this fact that makes it even more significant. First of all, it demonstrates trust. The key is the critical requirement for entry into a space we call home. It holds all things private and personal and it is a sanctuary where family gathers. She is now old enough to understand and appreciate this. Second, the key is a symbol of autonomy. Separate from me, she has her own access which is equal to mine. Whether she uses it or not, the fact that she has a house key is fulfillment already. Having it is a form of actualization and achievement; using it is really irrelevant. Finally, implicit in all of this is a sense of inclusion. Do you remember how significant it was when you gave your girlfriend a key to your apartment or vice versa? This simple gesture elevates the entire relationship.

When we come home, my daughter occasionally runs ahead half a block, digs for her key and enters the house first. When I finally get to the door, she calls out, “Hello daddy, how was your day?” pretending she’d been home, alone. It’s a whole new level of playing house! I smile broadly and reply simply, “It’s always nice to see you home.”