Couldn’t help but overheard a conversation my daughter had with her mom on the phone. My daughter wanted to do something but wasn’t sure how her mom felt other than anticipating a refusal. Not wanting to pick another fight with her mother, she approached it from an inquiring position and thought that by giving her mom the choice, she would be included, empowered and not feel like I was behind the decision. Needless to say, my daughter got her anticipated answer. She was disappointed, but not surprised. She wasn’t going to make an issue and it wasn’t a hill to die on.
She was a bit flustered and irritated, and I didn’t feel I should say anything as it was still too fresh. After a pause, I said to my daughter, maybe you don’t start with that particular sentence when you talk to your mom.
There’s very little my daughter asks for that is unreasonable and unexpected. While she often asks if she can have a pony, a dog or even a cat, she also realizes that the responsibility far outweighs the time she has to take care of them. Especially whilst she’s at my house since she’s not allowed to bring the pet to her mom’s. So, when my daughter makes a request, it’s usually quite reasonable, well-thought through and does not burden others beyond some travel logistics. With those convictions, her approach shouldn’t be to ask whether she can do something, but why she can’t do it.
With those convictions, her approach shouldn’t be to ask whether she can do it, but why she can’t do something.
When it comes to my daughter’s schoolwork, extracurricular commitments and related activities that are truly hers, she needs little from either parent other than financial and travel logistic support. The permission to continue is implied given that the activities have been agreed long before. So, my daughter’s questions to her mom are superfluous and really redundant. Her ‘wondering if she could’ actually gave her mother the opportunity to redecide a decision already made. This disempowers my daughter and redistributes the authority to her mother on decisions that were already made by both parents and executed by the daughter.
I explained to my daughter that while her mom wants the best for her, the pathway to what is best is different and sometimes goes through a number of gates with conditions that must be met. Conceptually, it’s little different from my approach in that I also want the best for my daughter. But where things are different with me is that the pathway I set her on isn’t always a singular road but one that can fork and presents a decision point for my daughter, further empowering her. While I always have ‘veto’ power, I find that the more rational and judicious her decisions, the less I need to course correct. It’s no wonder she enjoys talking to me more than her mom. It comes down to collaboration.
She realized that speaking to different people sometimes require different approaches. With her mom, unfortunately, her simple inquiry on wanting to stay an extra night at my house was denied. Notwithstanding the time saved on unnecessary commute, my ex immediately refused the decision when my daughter ‘wondered if she could’. Eventually, I think my daughter will not only stop phrasing the question in this amicable way but will eventually stop asking her mother altogether.
