“Detoxing” your child after a week at your ex’s
This is a very interesting concept and although I had suspected it was happening to my child, I never realized it until I spoke with another single-parent about her experiences with her boy coming back to her house after spending a week at her ex-husband’s house. The changes were as mild as a new phrase he had picked up or as severe as bad-attitude (like a different kid just walked into her house).
No matter how coordinated and how consistent you try to co-parent with your ex-wife, there will be differences in your approach and outcome. Heck, it was the difference that became irreconcilable and that is why you are divorced. These differences, whether intentional or not, aren’t normal to the way you parent and hence the effort to detox.
If there’s a sudden surge in talk-back, don’t take it out on your daughter; she’s still imprinting. As children of divorce, expect that your ex will do things differently and it will show up in your child. But being unwavering in your support and remaining consistent in your expectations will reap rewards when your daughter realizes that you are the anchor to her world of change.
As I have mentioned in previous articles, there aren’t a lot of rules in my house; we do what works for both of us. But one thing that I will not allow is phones and iPads at the dinner table. I grew up in a large family and we often dined with the TV turned on in the background. It was nightly chaos and nobody paid much attention to anybody as conversations consisted of little more than words spat out between mouthfuls of food. Even though everyone ate together, the scene wasn’t pretty. This is certainly unnecessary when there are only two or three of you around the dinner table. My ex allows our daughter to eat with a tablet in front of her. Not my house, not my rules, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Manners are something less clear cut than an iPad at the table. I encourage my daughter to use please and thank you to bookend her questions. She forgets half the time, so at least she appears to be polite the other half. I have little idea of the day-to-day conversations that happen on the other side, but there have been a few times I had to abruptly remind my daughter of basic manners. Sometimes, I see my ex’s demeanor in my daughter. If there’s a sudden surge in talk-back, I do my best not to take it out on her; she’s still imprinting.
My daughter is a child of divorce. I expect that my ex will do things differently and it will show up in my child. The reverse is also true. Curbing the iPad at the dinner table is easy. Minding manners is an ongoing activity anyway. But it’s the inherent and unseen thought processes that are going to be the constant challenges. Speaking badly about the other parent; interfering with custody arrangements; controlling when communications between the other parent and your child can take place are examples of friction that over time can be harmful for everyone. Disagreements with the ex? Shield the child from it and don’t be drawn into a proxy war. Keep everything business-like with your ex and only talk (or email) about your child, minimally. Everything else is irrelevant. Being unwavering in your support for your daughter and remaining consistent in your expectations will reap rewards when she realizes that you are the anchor to her world of change.