Beware the advice of others
When my fiancée, former spouse and now ex-wife were planning our wedding guest list once upon an ancient time ago, I asked my mom for the names, addresses and phone numbers of distance relatives so I can prepare invitations. My mom discouraged me. She said that that branch of the family is very distant and to receive an invitation after such a long period of lost contact would make me appear to ingratiate them for a wedding gift. And the invitation puts them in an awkward position if they didn’t want to attend. Instead, I invited more friends and co-workers where those family members would have sat. Years later, and after several workplaces, those co-workers aren’t even on my LinkedIn, anymore. It was also another lost opportunity to reacquaint with first and second cousins because my mom and aunt couldn’t get along. My mom made her decision with extreme bias and my generation continued to feel the ripple of her discontent. I know I had lost another chance to know them better. And while I generally don’t heed the words of others, occasionally, I deferred to them thinking (hoping) that theirs would be an informed choice. The problem is that whatever decision was/is made, I’m the one stuck with its consequences.
My daughter asked me a while ago if she could sit in the front seat of our car now that she’s a certain age. I had never thought about it since I wasn’t the person sitting on a booster in the back. I asked if she sits in the front in mommy’s car. She replied, “I’m not allowed.” We did our research and she met both the height and weight requirements. With the air bags disabled, she’s now my permanent co-pilot. Then I suggested we should get rid of the booster. “No.” she exclaimed, immediately. Even though she qualifies for sitting upfront, she still has to obey her mom’s decision and wants to keep up the charade as a backseat passenger, even in my car. This tells me a lot!
People will always speak from their own experiences. They will even try to convince you that you are wrong simply because you don’t agree with them.
In both examples, I sensed the over cautiousness of the moms. There’s no point dissecting the decisions they made. But for the sake of my daughter’s learning curve, I explored the topic further with her as I expect she will continue to push against the margins.
People will always speak from their own experiences. They will even try to convince you that you are wrong simply because you don’t agree with them. So in reality, their advice is biased as it lacks your context and the nuance of your unspoken thoughts as the inquirer. Another reason to carefully weigh the advice of another is the consequences it could bring. The advisor rarely has to deal with the outcome. They are not the one making the decision and certainly not the one living with its aftermath. All the risks rest with the inquirer. And finally, I explain to my daughter, in some scenarios, the advisor may even have ulterior motives to steer the inquirer to a self-serving decision.
Boundaries are pushed because people grow both in confidence and in character. This is clearly evident in children and we should encourage it. But as they push through to new frontiers, we should not expect that they walk into situations only we are familiar. That would mean they are living in our shadows. And it is perfectly acceptable for them to pause, contemplate the choices and weigh the pros and cons of their own actions. This entire evaluation process should be guided, but remain their choice. Seeking advice is only one (optional) part of it.
If my daughter had asked if versus when she could sit in the front seat, the outcome might have been very different. She’s also beginning to realize that while our world is full of rules, not all of it is black and white. Sometimes, asking the right question makes all the difference. Equally, she’s discovering that asking for advice doesn’t mean the advisor has the best answer. She can take the advice at face value, modify it or reject it completely. She’s a lot smarter than me when I was her age. And teaching her that she isn’t beholden to anyone or their words is the best advice of all.
