Her first boyfriend (Part 2): Hanging out
In the weeks that followed after my daughter agreed to a boy who had asked her to be his girlfriend, life remained pretty much the same. They saw each other every day at school (along with their classmates). They had recess together (along with their classmates). They ate lunch together (along with their classmates). They pretty much did the same thing they would be doing along with all their common classmates. Since 10 and 11 year-old kids aren’t allowed to leave the grounds during school hours, they are pretty much corralled together until the 3 o’clock bell when most of the kids get picked up. My daughter and this boy had really no time to spend alone. And I have learned that at this age, the novelty isn’t about spending alone time together, but rather the distinction of being labeled as a couple by their peers.
In fact, much of the class’s giddiness is about the new couple. It’s little different than getting a rabbit as a class pet: everyone jockeys for a position and wants a view. My daughter’s girl friends would clump together and speak about whom each of them has a secret crush. They would then ask my daughter what it is like and if they were planning to do something together. Clearly her friends were living vicariously. They even ‘borrowed’ her phone to send messages to the boyfriend as though it was written by my daughter. My daughter told me this and I reconfirmed that her phone (my phone) is strictly for her use and she must never let her friends have it preciously for things like this. I also took the opportunity to remind her that this is her narrative. Because there is so much vicarious chatter, she must demand a stop to any gossip whether they are factual or not.
Much of the class’s giddiness is about the new couple. My daughter’s girl friends would clump together and ask what it is like and if they were planning to do something together. I also took the opportunity to remind her that this is her narrative. Because there is so much vicarious chatter, she must demand a stop to any gossip whether factual or not.
As another week rolled by, my daughter’s initial agreement to go see a movie was being taken literally by this boy. He also texted to ask about holding hands and kissing. Years from now, my daughter will probably have a reaction to me occasionally monitoring her phone and computer for virus, updates and unsolicited messages. But I was very proud of her for texting back “No, I’m not ready.” It gives me great comfort to know that my daughter can stand on her feet and be forthright about declaring what is acceptable to her. I give my daughter a lot of age-appropriate choices and latitude to explore her world. I trust her within this domain. When she pushes beyond this bubble wrap, we talk as non-judgmentally as I am capable. It is my hope that through this type of encouragement, it could lessen the need for her to seek the adventures of others–or be easily impressed by them later in life.
So when the Saturday finally came and the boy had preemptively purchased movie tickets to take my daughter, she declined citing that she had swim practice. The boy was sorely disappointed and became distraught. The next weekend came and my daughter had the usual swim practice on Saturday. But when Sunday rolled along as did a third movie request, my daughter became annoyed and frustrated. I said, “Tell me what’s on your mind and how you feel.” She felt pressured to do something she didn’t want to do. I probed further, “So it’s not really about going to see a movie. It’s something else. What is it?” She thought about it and said, ‘I see him every day at school. We hang out all the time already. On the weekends, I’m busy with swimming, music and other things. I just want to stay home. I’ll be his girlfriend but it doesn’t mean I have to spend all my time with him…and I also don’t want to hold his hand.’ I had heard enough and I told my daughter to honor her feelings and tell it like it is, “You don’t want to go see a movie because you want to stay home. Period. You don’t need to explain how busy you are nor do you need to justify your feelings.” What came back from the boy was a torrent of increasingly anxious text messages that even my daughter left unanswered.
The weather that afternoon was cold and windy. We made a bowl of popcorn with hot chocolate and curled up on the couch and watched our own movie. Then my daughter said, ‘I just want to stay home and be cozy watching a movie with daddy. I just want to be a kid.’ It was uncanny how un-kidlike that statement sounded. I looked at her and smiled, thinking, I know how this is going to end.
This article was written pre-COVID-19.
