Self-harm is a real thing in girls
One of my daughter’s friends is in a similar shared custody situation with her parents and like my daughter, she also prefers to stay with one parent over the other. Like us, the parenting style of dad and mom is so different that this girl’s mood swings vacillate from highs to lows depending on where she’s at. Sometimes, she dreads going to her mother’s. Other times, she tolerates it. It a tough spot to be in. One day, she made some off-hand remark to my daughter about killing herself.
In the most factual and non-judgmental way, I let the parents know what I had heard since I know them both. It was more of a surprise to one of the parents and less so than the other. I know the situation was quickly addressed and the girl had access to a clinical child psychologist. But what a scary situation to be in and if it wasn’t for this child being vocal about her discontent, neither parent (nor my daughter) would have known and the situation would have turned for worse.
The pandemic lockdowns have not helped. According to research from The Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, more than 70% of school-aged children (6 to 18 years old) reported a deterioration in at least one domain (depression, anxiety, irritability, attention span, hyperactivity and obsessions/compulsions). Children with pre-existing mental health conditions face even more challenges. With almost exclusive online learning and reduction of home care services, special-needs children (e.g. those with autism spectrum disorder) report the greatest deterioration from absence of school-based services.
With puberty, many girls have real anxieties about how they feel and who they are. Without bringing these things out into the open, girls will withdraw and focus on the one thing they have control: their bodies. They will physicalize what they are not able to express psychologically.
Unfortunately, without parental intervention, the stress of children will likely not go away even when the pandemic lifts. Things might not get worse, but the damage of prolong social withdrawal and missed developmental periods will be difficult to make up (maybe impossible for some). While some schools reopened for truly special-needs children who have no other options, it will be the already psychologically and physically taxed parents who still need to do the heavy lifting to bring their children out of these emotional ruts. It is not a phase, and the kids won’t get over it unless there is serious and significant intervention—which can also be costly.
Being vigilant and watching for symptoms of exhaustion and depression in adults is on-going, but especially so for children who have fewer coping mechanisms. Parents can benefit everyone when they involve their children in even day to day decisions. This gives children the feeling of empowerment (and lightens the adult load), so they don’t feel that things are happening to them. Perhaps now is the time to expand those boundaries rather than to withdraw further into a social bubble. Let a child go to the grocery store to buy one or two items on their own. Let a child walk around their neighborhood block by themselves. When they exercise independence, they express control. There are many things a 11 year-old can do independently and even a 15-minute respite for the parents is as good as a nap.
In many situations, girls are already overprotected as compared to boys. So, in a sense, they are doubly cocooned. Add to this, social norms, expectations and puberty, many girls have real anxieties about how they feel and who they are. Seize every moment as a teaching one and tell them to recognize and respect their feelings. Sadness isn’t a bad emotion any more than pain is a bad sensation—it’s a barometer. Without bringing these things out into the open, girls will withdraw and focus on the one thing they have control: their bodies. They will physicalize what they are not able to express psychologically. This is not attention getting. This is a cry for help.
