Praise will fail your daughter; failure will ensure her success

At her regular swim class one afternoon, I can see my daughter and her little cohort being put through the paces while continuing to refine their techniques. On the other side of the deep end, I saw another instructor leading a pack of four no older than 4 or 5 years-old. They were being introduced to the deep end and were instructed, one at a time, to kick off and glide along the side of the wall, get out of the pool and then return seated on the edge where they started. One at a time, they did this. Then one little boy decided not to follow instructions and swam away from the side of the pool. The teacher had to repeatedly ask the child to follow instructions so he doesn’t drown from exhaustion while keep an eye of the other three kids who were sitting patiently on the side waiting for their turns. The boy’s parents can be heard asking him to pay attention. The parents pleaded with their child to come back to the side of the pool. Then the parents praised him for his bravery and being good on listen when he eventually came back.

I observed the entire incident unfold and, of course, remained silent. A child who doesn’t listen to his swim instructor puts everyone at risk, including the other young swimmers if the instructor has to intervene and attempt a preventable rescue. While it is admirable that this 4 year-old can tread water for 30 seconds, the child being praised by his parents for good swimming actually thinks he’s getting a dose of encouragement and confidence. In fact, when the parents didn’t apologize to the instructor, didn’t yank their kid out, and didn’t discipline the child for taking unnecessary risk, the child thinks nothing of the consequences of his antics. What the child has learned is that safety rules apply to other people and his confidence and ego will carry him through with attention grabbing praises all the while underestimating his own capabilities.

At this age, I praise her for recognizing her own set back and then making up the distance. Praise is not used to motivate or for demonstrating mere efforts, but used when she truly achieved something she’s genuinely struggled with. That makes the praise much more meaningful.

My daughter is slightly older, a girl and already quite an advanced swimmer compared to this child. She got there by swimming every week for five years running. My praise for her isn’t the fact that she’s finished all the levels and now waiting until she’s old enough for the Lifeguard program, but the fact that she’s consistently and continually worked at it to get to where she is. Nevertheless, she’s also not immune to being overconfident.

In one incident, after a long vacation away from her cello, she picked it up and decided to go through her repertoire. She asked me to listen and to ‘grade’ her. I didn’t want to do this for a number of reasons, most of all, this is practice, not evaluation and I’m not her teacher. I told her just to play. She pressed on and asked me to give her an A or B or whatever I felt was fitting. I insisted and so did she. I listened. It was evident that she has had a lapse in practice. The notes were flat, the tempo was off and bars were missing. She clearly struggled pausing to recall finger positions. Then she asked for a grade at the end of the piece, clearly expecting praise. I relented and said, “F. You failed this piece.” Her face melted into tears.

We had a good discussion afterwards. Actually, I did most of the talking and she did most of the nodding. Cello is not easy. She knew that. Never has she gone two weeks without practice. She acknowledged that. If she doesn’t practice regularly, she’ll begin to forget the pieces. She realized that. This is why her teacher tells her to practice every day; it’s an opportunity for her to experiment and make mistakes and to build fluency. She got that. So that is why it was unlikely that her overconfidence would produce noteworthy music and unreasonable for me to praise her with an ‘A’ after a two week absence. She accepted that.

She practiced on her own afterwards for almost an hour. Then again the next day. And the day after that. Then she asked how it sounded, without asking for a grade. I listened and was truly impressed with the progress she had made over those three days. I praised her for recognizing her own set back and then making up the distance. At this age, I praise her not to motivate her to practice or for demonstrating mere effort, but because I truly feel she achieved something she’s genuinely struggled with. That makes the praise much more meaningful.