What we wished our ex-wives knew about us

At our irregular fathers social-drinking club, we would get together and talk about our kids, our work, the weather, the awful people in government and with still clear-heads, lament on our previous lives prior to children and then come full circle and boost about how great our kids are. Depending on what one of us is dealing with, we’d vent about our wives or ex-wives and then go right back to drinking and bitching about the awful people in government. Some of us are on our first, some on our second marriage, some in-between and some, like me, don’t have the courage to go another around. The next day, much of the conversation is forgotten but the outing was a necessary respite. Our drinking sessions are primarily social but agreeably therapeutic. I belong to a couple of drinking clubs comprised of fathers I know from my daughter’s different phases and activities in life. What’s interesting is the topic that recurs is the silent struggle we go (went) through as married men. So I thought it might be helpful to share with all readers our unspoken heaviness and bring from hindsight what I’m sure most married men and certainly all divorced dads feel. If it helps one man standing at the precipice, then it’ll be worth it.

1. We wished our wives never talked trash about us in front of her family and friends and stick up for us when others speak poorly. It especially hurts us when our wives second-guess our actions and our character. Our wives did not marry an incompetent ass.
2. We wished our wives knew that we enjoy her company and that spending time together doesn’t mean we are abandoning the children. We love family time, but need couple time. The kids will be fine!
3. We wished our wives knew we do not read minds. Hinting is not an actual form of communication. Punishing us for failing to understand their feelings is not an effective way of dealing with misunderstandings. And parking that frustration at our doorstep is also not appreciated. We would rather they stop doing it by choice.
4. We wished our wives knew that our compliments were actually genuine. If asked which color dress to choose and we pick one, don’t dismiss it. And if we say that dress is not appropriate for an occasion, it is not a veiled comment about exercise or diet. Sometimes, a dress is just a dress.
5. We wished our wives knew that we do not know nor can we fix everything. We may show glimpses of ingenuity but not all of us can be MacGyver. We also do not appreciate getting a list of to do’s around the house. We will fix what needs to be fixed and call someone if we can’t. We are not our wives’ errand boys. Imagine if we gave them a list?
6. We wished our wives would simply appreciate what we do for her and for the kids and understand that we will do things differently and at different times, but we always have our wives and kids at heart and mind. Our wives’ way isn’t always better and our way isn’t always the highway.
7. We wished our wives understood that sometimes we just want to be left alone. We are not lazy; we are recharging. And sometimes, we really, really just want a moment away from everyone—including our wives.

 

The topic that recurs is the silent struggle we go (went) through as married men. Those were painful years and the lesson we learned was that our wives’ happiness was never our responsibility in the first place. And while co-parenting brings new challenges, we now know that our ex-wives’ unhappiness is not our accountability either.

 

What became clear from my hazy conversations with a number of men over the years is that the top things we wished our wives knew about us before some of them became ex-wives had nothing to do with sex. And that is because we feel as women do: if the emotional connection is there, it makes the physical even more potent. Withholding one does not ensure the other. Relationship is a way to share something; not a way to get something. And certainly withholding anything is not a sign of leverage or strength; it’s a sign of insufficiency.

For the circle of men I know who have moved on, none of this matters anymore. Those were painful years and the lesson we learned was that our wives’ happiness was never our responsibility in the first place. And while co-parenting brings new challenges, we now know that our ex-wives’ unhappiness is not our accountability either. We may lament moments of the past, but we have no desires to relive them. And in that process, we have discovered something new and wonderful about ourselves.

For me, I wanted to be married and experience something I couldn’t on my own. I had aspirations for the highest ideals. But, somewhere along the way, we lost sight of that and the marriage became a contract of what we can get out of each other. And in failing to achieve even that, we blamed each other and wound up settling for the lowest expectations. I could have chosen at any point to tell her my unrequited feelings. I chose not to. My marriage had become a train wreck unto itself. It was time to exit. When I left, I took exactly half the responsibility for it; no more. The marriage failed, I did not.