Between a Yes and a No is an infinity of Maybe’s
Kids will push your buttons and your boundaries. You should foster it because it speaks of the confidence in their burgeoning individuality and it speaks to a probable revision of the limitations that were placed on them when they were younger. That’s actually a good thing because children who don’t do this, could signal other reasons why they have walled themselves in. How a parent reacts to these tug-o-wars will be very important and it will definitely shape the way their child opens up to them in the future.
The first time my daughter was dropped off at school while sitting in the front passenger seat was a morning she won’t forget. She felt so grown up she waved to all her friends from the front seat while we pulled up to the drop off point. All her friends were impressed that she got to sit in the front of the car! And even a few parents remarked about the ‘promotion’. It all started when we were on a road trip and she got bored and dizzy sitting in the back for hours and then asked how old does she have to be to move up to the front. I took a pragmatic approach and said, “Let’s find out,” as I truly didn’t know what the requirements were. Turned out it had nothing to do with age and more to do with height and weight. She met both requirements and since the air bag was disabled, she’s been sitting in the front ever since. If she didn’t ask, I might not have thought about it from her perspective and she could still be a backseat rider for many more years. I know some parents are quite adamant about keeping their kids in the back regardless of height and weight qualifications. But unilateral and unyielding decisions like these make kids feel helpless since they can’t challenge the decision in an objective way. Over time, they could learn not to ask since they anticipate an uncompromising response.
Life rarely bifurcates neatly into yes or no situations. I find myself needing to be less of a supervisory parent constantly making and enforcing rules. For me, parenting has shifted to become more enjoyable and negotiable as my daughter and I spend our times discovering and learning rather than observing and complying.
Life rarely bifurcates neatly into yes or no situations. We all live in the spectrum of the gray and what is currently a no, can be a maybe later and a probably yes after some conditions are met. And a yes is not eternal; it can easily revert back to a no when circumstances change. Parenting is not a rational science, and decisions are mostly anchored from personal experiences. But it is teachable. Just like kids have training wheels for their bikes, parents could use some training wheels for their language to transition from a ‘default no’ and welcome a world of ‘maybe’s’.
One weekend morning, my daughter asked if she can go to the neighborhood library on her own. I said yes. Then we got busy doing a few things and as the day wore on, day turned into night and she still hadn’t gone. By the time she realized, it was pitch black outside. My morning yes became an evening no. It’s unnecessary for me to discuss how my concern for her safety overrode her freedom to choose. She understood that the conditions of the permission changed and totally accepted it since she was a part of that decision.
As I witness my daughter getting older and smarter; I spend less time in the end zones of yes’s and no’s and more time helping her understand the conditions of the middle 100 yards. With her emerging independence, I find myself needing to be less of a supervisory parent constantly making and enforcing rules. In fact, I find for me, parenting has shifted to become more enjoyable and negotiable as my daughter and I spend our times focusing on discovering and learning rather than observing and complying. But as a father, I still have the option of an authoritative response to overrule her choices; it’s my parental prerogative. However, having authority doesn’t mean it needs to be exercised. Soft power is indeed legitimate and can be far more credible.
