Holding grudges
On a previous article, I had written about how my daughter was immensely disappointed by one of her friends who traded up to play with another girl and had her mother call me to cancel on my daughter. It hit her quite hard. She recovered quickly, but was that the end? Not a chance! I later discovered serendipitously that not only had my daughter not forgotten about this friend’s rejection, she had constructed strategies against her.
Many weekends after that incident, we were biking and I asked if she wanted to ride by her friend’s house. She replied curtly, “No.” I asked if she was still upset about that canceled play date. “No I’m not. I’m over it, but I haven’t forgotten about it. I don’t like it when she treats me that way — her mom, too.” That was a rather mature approach to take, I thought. My daughter continued, “Let’s bike to the park. If she’s there, I’ll play with her, but I won’t make plans with her anymore. She always cancels last minute and I don’t like that. And she didn’t even say sorry!”
Not only was I surprised by her replies, I was also immensely proud of her maturity. I wish I could act like this consistently when I face disappointments in my own life! Her approach signaled to me that while she was clearly hurt by the incident, she’s moved on nonetheless. Not only was she not waiting for redress, she also made a personal decision not to put herself in the same situation and await this friend for anything. After all, this friend is a repeat offender in canceling last minute. Further, she’s not retributive in communicating any message of displeasure or proposing any actions to get even. She didn’t let her rejection turn into anger which could lead her down a path of indifference and contempt. The simplicity of my daughter’s approach to minimize this friend’s influence was effective and exquisite!
Her approach signaled to me that while she was clearly hurt by the incident, she’s moved on nonetheless. Not only was she not waiting for redress, she also made a personal decision not to put herself in the same situation and await this friend for anything. She didn’t let her rejection turn into anger which could lead her down a path of indifference and contempt.
Months later, in a completely different situation, I took out of the freezer a bag of homemade dumplings my mom had made for us and I remarked how few there were. I said to my daughter to enjoy this, as I think it will be a long time before we get another bag of homemade goodness from grandma. My daughter asked why. I said that I had a fight with my mom over something stupid and I think she’s still upset, although she won’t say it. My daughter asked, “When was the fight?” Four months ago. Without missing a beat, my daughter snapped, “Four months ago and she’s still holding a grudge? That’s stupid!” Hush up and enjoy your dumplings!
We ate quietly and I thought about my daughter’s reactions and I thought about all the arguments and grudges that exist in our family. We have a big family and branches of it are not as close as we could be. I lament at the missed opportunities in conversations that could have pass through the generations. It struck me hard when I reflected why we don’t have more enriched relationships within our multi-generation family. My daughter is young, yet she sees things as uncannily clear as she builds one relationship at a time. It’s more meaningful and impactful when she has fewer relationships to draw on and perhaps not surprisingly, the damage in one of these relationships is more significant and profound which is why she cherishes every conversation. That night, I was inspired by her candor and picked up the phone to call my own mom.