Living vicariously is never a good idea–generally. Why abdicate choice and experience to others when one can and should pursuit it themselves? But people have different abilities and resources at their disposal and the reality is that for the vast majority of us adults, buying a ticket to outer space to glimpse our blue planet from above, for example, is very much a non-starter. For children, however, their dreams far surpass their reach for the time being. But for now, they wait patiently for their time will come. They will sit in the front seat of the car; they get to come home from school by themselves; and they will eventually do all the things we tell them they can’t yet do.
Observing the actions and consequences of others from a distance is beneficial. Especially when questionable decisions of others lead to bad outcomes. At the age of 10, I gave my daughter a cell phone. It wasn’t just for safety reasons, but the phone came with a bunch of do’s and don’t’s. One of those don’ts was not to show off the phone like one of her friends did. This boy in her class was doing just that and in a very short amount of time, the phone was stolen.
It’s not just about stolen goods; it’s also about stolen moments and stolen futures. My daughter has a girlfriend in her class who has an older brother in the same school. This boy is known for acting out and talking back to teachers. He’s generally disruptive and a known nuance at best and a danger at worst. One day, out of anger and frustration, he smashed his fist through a door on school property. After the ambulance and police came, he was never seen at that school again. She saw with immediate effect what ensued when bad things happened to people who make bad choices.
Living vicariously isn’t just about wanting to experience through others; it can also be about observing the outcomes of others.
Observational learning can especially be beneficial for parents to instill behavioral confidence and tolerance in their children. If you sit at a diner with your child and you loudly dress down the wait staff who is slower than molasses, your kid will realize very quickly at the futility of this complaint at improving the service and she’ll see a less than ideal side of you. Worst, she’ll mirror you and treat service providers poorly in the future.
As parents, we broadcast a lot of information to our children in the form verbal cues, facial expressions and body language. Children are like sponges and while they may not mirror our actions right away, your reactions have been imprinted onto their brains. So why not broadcast appropriate behavior for them to model after?
Living vicariously isn’t just about wanting to experience through others; it can also be about observing the outcomes of others. She can reap the benefits while avoiding the pitfalls without having to endure it herself. In a way, a child can have her cake and eat it too! From these lessons, a child can decide what outcomes she wishes to experience for herself and what outcomes she can sidestep without hesitation.
