Parenting in a two household family: blame, loyalty and closeness

My ex-wife and I separated 3 years ago and we’ve been divorced for 2. For our 6 year-old daughter, she’s been living in this two-household arrangement longer than she has lived as a family of three. For the most part, our routines are pretty consistent and there’s little guesswork that goes into our day to day arrangements. Nevertheless, I can see sadness in our daughter. It doesn’t hinder her development, but I think she wishes it could be different. It can be especially isolating for an only-child who does not have siblings to commiserate with. In my daughter’s case, I believe her three most common preoccupations are closeness, loyalty and blame.

Let’s start with the last one as I think it is of least concern for my daughter as I believe blame to be a bigger issue when divorce happens to older children. I’ve always told my daughter that my disagreements have been with her mom and not with her. As much as we try to resolve things, invariably it will have a spillover effect and our child will be impacted. You can’t completely isolate them from it, but letting them know that two separately run households that love her unconditionally is infinitely better than being in one household that contains conflict. She won’t get it and still wishes for things to be different, but it is paramount that a child is never the focal point of any parental conflict because they will blame themselves.

Two separately run households that love her unconditionally is infinitely better than being in one household that contains conflict. At any point in time, she is in a single-parent environment; the reality is that you have to be both parents to her at one time. And two households mean just that — two of everything; they are not simply camping out at either parent’s place.

The fact that she’s in a two household situation is evident that there was severe enough disagreements to tear the family apart. This means that there will be sides. Careful you don’t put your daughter into a situation where she has to choose. She loves her mom and dad both equally and her loyalty shouldn’t be divided. There’s no such thing as a real home versus the other place; she has two homes. There’s no such thing as one parent supporting all the extracurricular activities and the other not; these are the child’s activities and both parents must be supportive and in attendance. There’s also no such thing as playing the good cop/bad cop parent; both parents must be responsible for child rearing and discipline.  It is not acceptable to be the Disney dad and indulge your child leaving all the responsibilities to the mom. Currying favors to win affection with your child is a short game. At the end of the day, you are the grown-up and you have to be a parent.

My daughter often says to me that I don’t ‘cuddle the way mommy cuddles’ and then I grab her tightly squeezing the last breathe out of her. “Do you mean like that?” I ask. Beneath the giggles is a genuine cry for closeness. At any point in time, she is in a single-parent environment; the reality is that you have to be both parents to her at one time. Her needs do not align with your custody schedule, nor does she care whether it’s your weekend or not. She is going to miss the other parent at any given time so you shouldn’t control when they can make a simple phone call. So sometimes, you’ll just have to forget about accounting for the hours and days you equally share and put your energy into doing something to bring you closer to your daughter. That could mean altering the legally negotiated, very expensive custody scheduled when your daughter wants to spend extra time with either parent. Focus on the activity; not the time.

Above all, give you child some space, figuratively and literally. Alone time is not a bad thing for kids. And for them to make a two household situation work, they need a place to go to figure things out. They need their own room, their own bed, their own desk, their own books, toys and other items they deem special. Afterall, two households mean just that — two of everything; they are not simply camping out at either parent’s place.