Last minute changes in custody? Roll with it!
It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, a change in schedule can throw a wrench in my calendar especially if it is a work day. With sickness and not being able to go to school, I have little choice but to cancel my meetings and take my calls from home while my daughter rests. Luckily, I am at a workplace where nobody has ever given me any grief over staying at home with my sick child. But when it happens on a week I know my child is supposed to be at her mom’s, it becomes way more challenging to re-balance the calendar especially as I pack more to do’s on those weeks. Sometimes, I’m given enough notice but sometimes, I find out as she’s minutes from my front door. Regardless of how this makes me feel toward the mom, I keep it to myself and always welcome my daughter. She’s already been put out once. You reacting badly upon their arrival will only cause her to feel rejected twice. So here’s how I turned the challenge into an opportunity so it works out for you and your daughter.
Sometimes, I’m given enough notice but sometimes, I find out as she’s minutes from my front door. Feeling annoyed at your ex at the sudden change (especially when she doesn’t reciprocate) would have spillover effects. Your daughter won’t be able to tell if you are just upset with her mom or with her as well. But you handling changes well on the fly teaches her something she won’t forget: resilience.
If she shows up at my house with sickness, I look at it from the perspective that her needs would be minimal to begin with. Snuggling with a warm blanket and unlimited Netflix or Disney+ will be the primary medicine for the day. Truth be told, she won’t be watching much TV anyway as she’ll drift in and out of sleep, especially if she has a fever. It’s also likely she’ll require less of my attention to engage her in games or conversations. She feels safe in my house and reassured that daddy will indulge her in a bit of creature comfort. You nursing her back to health will provide huge bonding opportunities with loads of goodwill. And I can still putter around the house and do work so it’s really no burden at all.
If she shows up at my house not well enough to attend school, but not sick enough to be bedridden and I absolutely cannot change my schedule to accommodate, then she rides shotgun with me. It had happened a couple of times in the past 4 years. My silence toward the ex conveys enough irritation making it unnecessary to get into a tussle about notice. In both times, I had client meetings and I notified them of the extra attendee I would bring along due to last minute childcare. The clients knew me well and had no opposition. My daughter had her backpack of readings, activity books, a tablet computer and we treated the time as a junior version of Take Our Kids to Work Day. She sat quietly in a chair at one end of the boardroom as our meeting proceeded undisturbed. My clients actually saw a softer side of me that juggled fatherhood and professional work life. They were very understanding of my situation and we achieved the goals of the meeting which ended positively and earlier than expected.
If it’s not a school day and she shows up at my house and has no sickness, I look at it from the perspective that I get an extra day with her. I put aside the immediate thought of the things I wanted to get done and weigh it against just spending time with my daughter. We can go for a bike ride, see a movie or even the arcade. Years from now, I won’t remember the items on my to-do list which I pushed off, but I will remember these little extra moments.
It’s important for young children to feel that not only are they an integral part of your life, but they do not feel they are burden especially when things change through no actions of their own. You handling changes well on the fly also teaches her something she won’t forget: resilience. So, take the long view. Yes, it was disruptive and it wasn’t the way you had planned it, but feeling annoyed at your ex at the sudden change (especially when she doesn’t reciprocate) would have spillover effects. Your daughter won’t be able to tell if you are just upset with her mom or with her as well. She might assume both and won’t even ask. Remember, people may not remember all the good things you do, but they will remember every situation you made them feel badly.