Her first boyfriend (Part 3): Breaking up
From beginning to end, the relationship my daughter had with her first boyfriend lasted six weeks. It was a pretty uneventful six weeks and most of it was marked by activities participated with their friends at school. The movie date never happened and after few outbursts and sharp comments directed at my daughter, apologies followed. My daughter just felt this relationship wasn’t fun anymore. “What are you going to do?” I asked my daughter. I’m going to break up with him. “How are you going to do this?” I don’t know, she replied. Then she let out a sigh and said, He needs to get a life. I nearly spat out my morning coffee not because of the suddenness of this very adult comment, but at her uncanny ability to grasp the situation.
Daddy, can you tell him for me? my daughter asked. “No! This is something you need to do yourself.” But he’s going to take it badly. “How other people handle their emotions is not your problem.” Maybe I’ll tell him I need a break. “Then he will ask you how long and your problem won’t really end; it just gets postponed.” My daughter looked at me like I had horns. Finally I said, “Tell him what you told me: you don’t want to be anybody’s girlfriend; you just want to be a kid.”
Later that week, I noticed a drastic drop in text messages. Seems he got the message. And by the end of the week, I asked my daughter, “So what did you say to your boyfriend?” He’s not my boyfriend, daddy, and I told my friends I want to break up with him and my friends told him! “You schemer!” I proclaimed! “And did he believe it?” No, he came right up to me to confirm. “What did you finally tell him?” I didn’t want to go out with him or anybody anymore. I just want to be a kid. “Good for you! That was honest. Then what happened?” He left.
From my daughter’s perspective, having a boyfriend was like having a new puppy. It’s fun to show friends, but when the novelty wears off and it becomes burdensome, she’s tied down with expectations that she didn’t expect and can’t be herself anymore. Accommodating him meant forgoing herself. She has learned early and quickly that some relationships aren’t mutual.
Part of me felt relieved that my daughter was not the object of someone’s desire. Not at the age of 10, anyway. But I also knew that this puppy love was much more of a social experiment than an actual relationship. If I had denied her this experience, I know that in the future, she’d look for someone else and would hide it from me to avoid my criticism and disapproval. I’m glad she got to experience the weight of a relationship when one party almost always wants to get something out of it.
The other part of me felt empathetic to this young boy and his dashed hopes. Based on what I heard from my daughter and glancing at a few text messages between him and my daughter, I noticed that he had approached the relationship from the perspective of wanting something. He wanted to have a girlfriend. He wanted to take her to the movies. He wanted to hold her hand. He wanted to kiss her. He was very focused on himself. From my daughter’s perspective, having a boyfriend was like having a new puppy. It’s fun to show friends, but when the novelty wears off and it becomes burdensome, she’s tied down with expectations that she didn’t anticipate and can’t be herself anymore. Watching a movie with a boy for 2 hours in the dark while holding hands isn’t something that provides any appeal. It would be done for his benefit rather than a shared experience of joy. And accommodating him meant forgoing herself. She has learned early and quickly that this particular relationship wasn’t mutual.
I hope my daughter continues to make good decisions. But even if in the future, some relationships don’t turn out right, there’s no foul and definitely no shame in ending it. If I had learned that years ago, I might have saved myself some real head and heart aches in knowing the futility of trying to fix something that shouldn’t be fixed. Almost immediately after the break up, my daughter encircled herself with familiar girlfriends. Her friends were also glad to have things go back to the old ways.
