“Daddy, I want to change schools; my friends are all bitches!”
After a long day, I went to pick up my daughter from aftercare and was met by a grumpy little 9 year-old. We usually talk about our day but this time, she seemed a bit distance and quiet. I asked what was going on and her answers were not revealing. Since she didn’t show any signs of trauma or repression, I let her have her space. When we finally got home, she said, “Daddy, can I change schools? My friends are all stupid and they are just a bunch of bitches.” In my most dispassionate stare, I asked, “A bunch of what and where did learn to speak like this?”
It didn’t matter where she picked up the new cuss since that wasn’t the point of her angst. A brief chat later, I discovered that on this day, two girls were being cliquey and she felt ostracized. Others around them were feeling a bit of angst and everybody was taking it out on each other. Well, I told her straight-up that she calling her friends by foul names for being elitists is not a legitimate reason for her to take such a drastic action like changing schools. I also thought the analogy she used was incorrect: these aren’t dog fights; these are cat fights. She seemed disappointed at my prompt and inflexible response, but she wasn’t entirely surprised by it. She was just frustrated but she still likes her friends — just not all of them and not on that particular day. Her realization was more reasonable.
Where kids go to school isn’t something you have control over.” Besides, I continued, “The new school will be bigger; kids are older; your cliquey friends could be fodder for older girls.” She smiled at the irony of that comeuppance.
At dinner, when emotions have cooled and bellies full, we talked a little bit more about our own reactions to other people, whose words and actions we have no control over. We settled on a few points which she understood and agreed.
- One bad event doesn’t mean a new trend is emerging. It is unnecessary to react strongly or permanently to sudden and unexpected behavior from friends; they are allowed to have bad days, too. We don’t need to know their reason.
- Running away won’t solve a thing. Fish do not swim in distilled waters and without struggle, there is no growth.
- If the problem is with others people (them being unfriendly), then why are we coming up with a solution (leaving the school)? We can’t solve other people’s problems, nor should we even try. We can only control our own reactions to people and events around us.
- And if the situation absolutely does require parties to separate, know that while the grass may be greener on the other wide, it is just as hard to mow. Even if we moved to a new school, it’s not a guarantor that new problems won’t emerge with new friends.
After dessert, her contentment was back to normal and she was far more agreeable to not changing schools (as if that was ever an option!) Then she said she doesn’t want some of her friends to transfer to the same middle school she was going to. I chimed in and said, “That’s not something you have control over, either.” Besides, I continued, “The new school will be bigger; kids are older; your cliquey friends could be fodder for older girls.” She smiled at the irony of that comeuppance. “It’s like the clothes in your closet, keep some old, mix with some new. This will never change even when you get older.”
The next day, when I dropped her off at school, she sprinted to the group of familiar kids at the school yard and they clumped together just like before. What had bothered them at school yesterday had faded to a distant thought. I guess this was a preview of what’s to come for her teenage years!?!