Parentification: I didn’t know that was a thing
My ex-wife and I are still fighting 7 years after our divorce. Actually, it’s mostly her opposing decisions made by me backed by Court Orders. I’m long past the point where I pay much attention to her anymore and dismiss many of her complaints as mere static. I’m sure my apathy infuriates her but I don’t do it out of spite; I do it simply because her words and actions lack relevance to my parenting approach. But unfortunately, my 10 year-old daughter is still under her mom’s diminishing span of control for part of the time. The irony is that the more time she spends with me, the less she wants to go to the other house. Our parenting approach is so stark and apparent, that mom’s few remaining attempts to influence our daughter’s life is to interfere with her participation in established extracurricular activities; she doesn’t let our daughter attend them whilst she’s in her care.
Over the past two-plus years, my daughter has been absent from at least 34 distinct extracurricular events when they took place during mom’s custody times. These absences range from last minute opt outs of cello lessons with her tutor to deliberately preventing her from attending annual workshops and regional swim meets. Under my lawyer’s instructions, I keep track and document the occurrences contemporaneously. In the beginning, it was easy to assume conflicting schedule and it’s pointless to make a fuss about it. Later, frequent and predictable absences would follow disagreements as the ex-wife acted out. But with repeated no-shows impeding my daughter’s ability to progress with her peers or being disqualified from swim meets simply because she doesn’t have timed qualifications, I realize that that these deliberate obstructions have nothing to do with me or my daughter; they have everything to do with the mother.
I asked my daughter what she does during these times. Her disappointing reply was, “Mom wants to spend time with me so we do stuff that mom wants to do.” But doesn’t your mom realize that taking you to your activities and supporting you is also spending time together? My daughter didn’t want to talk about it anymore. The parents of kids in those activities I spoke to are empathetic and their questions have led me to research the topic of parentification, a concept which is heavily anchored into an adult’s own childhood experiences.
The parents of kids in those activities I spoke to are empathetic and their questions have led me to research the topic of parentification, a concept which is heavily anchored into an adult’s own childhood experiences. This weighs heavily on how an adult becomes a parent and the impact it has on their own children. On the whole, my daughter often feels she’s simply ‘doing time’ at her mom’s rather than spending time.
What I found was relevant and disturbing. Parentification comes in two general forms: where a child acts like a parent to younger siblings (instrumental parentification) forfeiting his or her own childhood; and where a child steps in to take on a mature role as the parent’s companion and best friend (emotional parentification.) Since my daughter doesn’t have a sibling, it’s easy to isolate the dilemma.
While my daughter may be responsible for what’s on her plate (school, progressing with extracurricular activities and continually working on positive social interactions), she is not responsible for anyone’s happiness, much less a parent’s. As a child, she also bears no accountabilities for the care of anyone, not even her friends. But these advices are purely academic when she feels trapped in her mom’s house and living within her limitations. My daughter tells me that she often doesn’t have the opportunity to ‘be a kid’ or get silly. She also feels the shortness of mom’s temper and the sharpness of her mom’s words, especially when she expresses an opposing opinion. On the whole, my daughter often feels she’s simply ‘doing time’ at her mom’s rather than spending time.
Much to my chagrin, I find I am not alone among divorced dads who experience varying forms of this. I can’t do much about any of that and calling out individual incidents with the mother is a waste of time. Notwithstanding any legal actions I might take with my lawyer to address my daughter’s absence from her activities, there is little I can do about parentification in the other home. About the only effective thing I can offer is to assure my daughter that what happens there is not a statement about her, but about her mother and it is only temporary. At the age of 10 to 12, children are approaching an age to credibly exercise their rights of a child which will vary depending on jurisdiction.
My unending struggle to raise a daughter without cooperative co-parenting is to find a balance between giving her the support she needs and stepping away to let her independence flourish. I try to dial up the right amount of love while gently managing and course correcting with as little paternalism or judgment as I can hold back. And at the end of every day, I reflect on my emotions which vacillate between being super proud to feeling like I have failed. And when I do fail, I dote on her to make myself feel better to compensate both our low points. But on the whole, I think the best thing I can do for her is to be her loud, boisterous and borderline embarrassing parent/cheerleader and support her from the bleachers in whatever her chosen interests. I look at her extracurricular activity times not spent away from me as a parent, but an invitation from her to participate in something that is truly hers. I wish her mom saw it this way as well. It’s not an ideal situation but it could be a lot worse. Our daughter could have wound up with two absent parents.
