The difference between privacy and secrecy

We live in an old house with brass doorknobs that don’t quite close, much less lock. So ever since my daughter was little, we never used the bathroom locks for safety reasons and she’s been taught that a close door is the same as a locked door. And ever since she was little, also for safety reasons, she’s been taught that there are no secrets between father and daughter when it comes to her day-to-day life at childcare or school. She’s much older now and the concepts of privacy and secrecy have taken on broader meanings.

My daughter learned early that boys weren’t allowed in the girl’s bathroom. In this incident, she saw to what extended I protected her privacy and so she has come to demand the same for herself. But beyond physical privacy, there are emotional and social privacy that an adolescent girl must also demand.

At the age of almost-12, her life involves peers that are generally of her choosing from the pool of schoolmates and participants in extracurricular activities. I am already not part of many of those conversations and beyond her wanting to share with me her dialogue with others; she has the right to privacy and general discretion to her personal affairs from excessive parental scrutiny. I don’t pry so feels she doesn’t need to hide.

 

I don’t pry so feels she doesn’t need to hide.

 

Then one day, she flipped the tables on me and asked why I wasn’t forthcoming with my dating affairs. She knew that daddy was on Tinder and other apps and wanted to take a look at my swipes. She also wanted to know with whom I talk and where I go. I am all in favor of being open and transparent. But as her father, I retain the option to exercise discretion when it comes to my personal affairs that deal with adult situations. My response to her which seems to work for now is that, “It’s not a secret that daddy sees other people, but daddy is entitled to some privacy.” I know my boundaries and so do others. It’s my daughter’s boundaries that are being defined and requires more precaution during these early years. But without missing a beat, she did blurt out, You’re keeping secrets, daddy.

I know it’s a bit unfair in that I get to know her business but mine is partially ring-fenced. Secrets, I explained is hidden information that is either designed to elevate an advantage or protect from consequence. Daddy being on Tinder and seeing other people doesn’t fall into those categories. “It’s not a secret with whom I talk but what we talk about is private,” I said. She couldn’t disagree with that. I also took the opportunity to say that if I had a checkered past which other people could negatively use or discriminate against me, then I would want to keep that very discrete and hidden. Like what? she asked. “Like if I had ever had a criminal record.” Do you? “Parking and speeding fines. But if I had more serious charges like dangerous driving and I hurt someone and was charged criminally, then I may have to disclose it to employers. But I might not tell my next door neighbor.” She sees the fine lines coming into focus.

My daughter and I have been extremely fortunate in that everyone we have had contact has left us with experiences ranging from needs improvement to excellent. For now, privacy and secrecy are still relatively simple but bewildering concepts that need context. She’s getting it. She’ll learn later in life and especially at the workplace, all about non-disclosures, intellectual property and levels of confidentiality that govern our lives. These concepts are far too mature for her to deal with and don’t apply at home. So for the time being, our general rule is that we simply don’t keep secrets. You should insist on the same.