Tabula rasa is the theory that an individual is born without any mental content and therefore it is up to parents and society to fill that initial space with positive energies of potentials, hopes, dreams and even expectations. It is the latter that can have lasting, sometimes prejudicial and detrimental effects on the way the rest of the tabula is written.
My experience with young people is almost always through the gatherings at my daughter’s events. This is where I have seen first-hand how some children can be monsters to truly appalling. I don’t typically judge out loud, but there are times when the parents’ behavior is so truly horrendous, I call it out and have even written a series of articles asserting that parenting isn’t about the parents.
Kids can and should be exposed to many things, but it doesn’t mean they will excel at any—much less all—of it. Excelling at everything is not only impossible, but unrealistic. They will quickly find out that others are better than they at certain things. They may also discover their parents’ cheerleading has given them false hopes. And when they fail, their parents may even blame them for not trying hard enough.
Rarely do I fault the kids. As children are really a product of their upbringing and as much as parents well intend their actions, some roads do lead to hell: the sense of entitlement, righteousness and prejudice. And I think where most parents misstep is the belief that their children can do everything. But just because they can and should be exposed to many things, it doesn’t mean they will excel at any—much less all—of it. Parents cast a long shadow of expectations on their children and it either suffocates them or gives them the impression that with little talent, they can succeed. Most of this is parental ego, pride and vicariously masking their own failures through projections. It has little to do with the child’s innate talent, their natural curiosity, or even their desire to do so in the first place. Through years of falsely encouraging children that they are good at everything they do, young people can grow up with a hollow sense of their own abilities and a completely distorted view of their own limits. And when challenged as adults, they can become indignant to mask years of self-pride when they underwhelm.
As parents, our job to our children is to tell them firstly (and only) that their ‘incredibility’ is to decide what aspects of their interests they want to pursue. We all have finite aptitudes, resources and time. Excelling at everything is not only impossible, but unrealistic. They will quickly find out that others are better than they at certain things. They may also discover their parents’ cheerleading has given them false hopes. And when they fail, their parents may even blame them for not trying hard enough. Secondly (and definitely), we must tell our children that they have sole and unfettered right to write on their own tabula—not others’. This is a lesson for us parents too.
As much as we want our children to live in a world without fears, pain and failure, pixie dust is not real and Santa Clause does not exist. Fish do not swim in distilled waters. Without hardship, there is no growth and children will never discover their strengths, happiness and triumphs when failure doesn’t happen. In fact, failure, even as temporary off-ramps, should be embraced as learning opportunities that is purposeful. At the end of our day, the story is really theirs. Let their futures be written. Their incredibility isn’t what they have, but what they will do.
