Expect failure—think of it as a temporary off-ramp
Even major league baseball gives you two strikes and three balls in the attempt to hit that home run. In effect, a player actually has six tries at-bat before being called out. Failure to immediately produce the optimal result is rarely met with instantaneous penalties and the system is designed for repeated attempts. Professional players never have perfect batting averages, but somehow, my daughter got it in her head that the things she does have to be perfect. I’m not sure who told her or where and how this happened. It doesn’t matter. In my opinion, this is a dangerous mindset that paradoxically will ensure her at being utterly and totally unsuccessful!
First of all, perfection is an imaginary state conjured by people who are farthest from. The most brilliant insights from the most intelligent minds are iterated by trial and error or serendipity. So to think that an 8 year-old child can attain perfection or worse, repeatedly expect it would be to heap unspeakable amounts of pressure which will backfire catastrophically.
Second, perfection and failure are not end points; it is a road. In fact, this road is littered with off-ramps and on-ramps. Occasionally taking an off-ramp to pause, recharge and reflect is not a mistake; not getting back on would be the failure. Look at the top achievers in any field or industry and they will have similar ruin-to-glory or rags-to-riches story about how they have taken multiple trips to get back on to multiple on-ramps. Their weathered looks and battle scars are worn with pride. It is because they have persevered on this road and not become distracted with enticing exits, that they have arrived. And even still, I’d bet that they will insist that theirs is still a journey-in-progress.
Third and of course, not the least, failure is a revered teacher. It is patient and does not demand excellence. It is not an end, but always an invitation and opportunity to begin anew. It never judges. Your child’s education may have started with you at home and enhanced greatly by the school she is enrolled. But lessons are never confined to the classrooms and throughout her life, courage, gumption and patience will be necessary for her to continue to receive wisdom from this constant teacher.
Perfection and failure are not end points; it is a road. In fact, this road is littered with off-ramps and on-ramps. Occasionally taking an off-ramp to pause, recharge and reflect is not a mistake. Nothing stays with you longer than the ringing words of why you failed. Not getting back on would be the failure.
We go on a lot of road trips and my daughter asked me one day where I learned to drive. “Driving school,” I said. She asked if I had passed the driving test the first time. She was amazed that I had failed my first driving test! I was sixteen at the time and the driving instructor probably sensed my impulsiveness and elected to keep me on a learner’s permit. I tried a few months later and again was denied. This time, for taking too long to parallel park the family Pontiac Parisienne! Sure I was disappointed, but my failures served as fuel. Eventually and obviously, I received my full license and while I was chastised by my friends for taking multiple attempts, I eventually became a safer and more careful driver. Nothing stays with you longer than the ringing words of why you failed. Today, I can parallel park a tank with twelve inches of room on either end to spare!
My daughter approaches each new piece of cello music with excitement, fear and loathing. Usually in that order before she finally ‘gets it’. Her fingers need time to figure out and adapt to the positions of the harmonics and vibratos while using advanced bowing to keep pitch and rhythm. I would hear her play the same bar of 8 or so notes repeatedly and sometimes, she just gets so frustrated and screams, “It’s impossible!” and puts her instrument down. When she does go back to it, it’s like a different person playing and the notes seem to come easier and eventually effortlessly. She’s experienced the benefits of these mini off- and on-ramps to know that it is necessary for incremental successes which delight and invigorate her. She is also beginning to realize that perfection doesn’t exist and it is the struggle that matters. How else would you convince an eight year-old to practice for months in preparation for her literal 2 minutes of solo recital on stage? She’s beginning to realize that failure is its own reward.