The birds and the bees (Part 10): Parental intercourse (I)

It’s been a while since I had read a bedtime story and tucked my daughter in like a 6 year-old. Those times are fleeting and eventually, she won’t want me to do that anymore. But occasional, she still asks, “Daddy, come tuck me in and cuddle for two minutes.” I delightedly oblige.

I asked her if mommy still tucks her in. She said no. I asked if her mommy still cuddles. She said, “Sometimes, but not often.” Then I asked, if cuddling took place, was it in mommy’s bed or hers? “In mine,” she said, “But sometimes she falls asleep. Then she snores!” Yes, I know, I said. “How do you know, daddy? Did you sleep with mommy?” It was purely an innocent question, but my response was, Yes, how do you think we made you? Then my daughter started to dry heave and said, “Ok, cuddle time is over!”

Sometime between my the third and the fourth birds and the bees discussion with my daughter on sperm, eggs and penetration, the discussion became a bit less clinical and an ick factor developed. It tells me one thing: at the age of 11, she now knows enough about sex and its connotation to have a cringy reaction to some topics. The idea of her parents making out definitely falls into this latter category. I would imagine this to be universal.

 

There’s nothing worse than a child exploring this aspect of humanity without your guidance or you not knowing about it.

 

If your child has reached this milestone, it’s actually a good thing for at least two reasons. Her understanding of the biological functions of the birds and the bees is sufficiently mature. And the other reason is that you can bet that she has these normal discussions with her peers! Her visceral reaction is a socialized reaction. In other words, she learned it outside.

With my daughter, human sexuality discussions centered around anatomical parts and biological functions. But around the age of 9, our discussions have shifted from the physiological to the psychological and then sociological. And for girls at this pre-teen age of 11 and 12 whose bodies are undergoing puberty, now is definitely not the time to let up on the gas with these continuing birds and the bees dialog. These talks are simply just the tip of the iceberg to what she needs to know. As I had mentioned very early on, human sexuality is not a one and done discussion.

My way will be different from other fathers (especially ones who follow a religious doctrine), as there are things I will want to discuss and re-discuss with my daughter. As much as I’ve been open, factual and non-judgmental from very early on, there are many things I still need to talk to her which aren’t easy. Like consent and absence of consent. Like contraception and pregnancy. Like drugs. Like date rape. Like violence. Like disease. Like all sorts of things that make this very natural human topic so especially taboo.

When it comes to older children, frequent conversations on healthy relationships are essential. If you shy away from the topics, they will subconsciously feel it is taboo. There’s nothing worse than a child exploring this aspect of humanity without your guidance or you not knowing about it.