Let her be a princess, but not a queen
My daughter attends a weekly cello class. There are 6 kids in this class from age 3 to 6. Kids are streamed later based on ability, but they all start in the same pre-twinkle class. At this age, there is a world of difference when it comes to mental & physical capacities, attention span and general supervision. There is this little 3 year old girl who seemed more interested in doing everything non-musical. When asked to participate, she often invents her own thing. While this child is no doubt bright, the child is quite insistent on not listening and often drives the parent crazy with her defiance. It is unfair to pass any judgment and my heart goes out to the parent trying to manage the child and a delicate musical instrument with only 2 hands. By the end of the 30 minutes, my daughter packs up wishing for more and the 3 year old has already bolted for the door.
I see this type of behavior in my daughter’s grade one group as well. Parents share with me their stories about their child’s uncooperativeness and general defiance. As for my daughter, her facial expressions of discontent are quite rehearsed and I swear, I think I can sometimes hear her eyeballs roll in the sockets! But it helps me when I tell her there are two categories of behavior: acceptable and not. I don’t put a lot of rules around her but the ones I lay down, are unbendable. And there are serious consequences for bending them (which you will need to follow through).
As much as we encourage our children to speak out and express themselves, there are times when they have to put up and shut up.
On one particular play date, we were outside at a friend’s house and I asked the kids not to go down the sidewalk leading to the main road while I helped one of the parents with something in the garage. One minute later, our hearts skipped when we found them walking along the very same busy main road we told them to avoid. The play date ended right there and then. We walked home with her crying. We didn’t talk much when we got home; didn’t need to. I also didn’t tell her to go to her room or dictated any other limitations. The play date ending was punishment enough; it was unnecessary be to additionally punitive. She knew. And an hour later, she came over to ask if we could do something else. We have never spoken of the incident again.
I find that when I keep things simple for us, I don’t get the drama I sometimes see with other kids at a toy store or checkout line. I think many parents try their best and they are tired or preoccupied and go for the easy wins to keep the peace. The pleadings of ‘just 5 more minutes,’ ‘I’m almost finished,’ ‘may I have one more,’ indulgences can easily turn into entitlements and then prerogatives. Pretty soon, they make up their own rules and ignore others.
Princesses they are. We spoil them. We pamper them. They are our little girls! However, they can’t always have it their way. And you probably have a good reason. And don’t feel badly or guilty. If you acquiesce often enough, your little girl, like the pawn in a chess game, will continue down the board unchallenged and could become a queen. The queen is the all-powerful piece and has no equals. Confrontation with this piece usually ends badly. Well, let’s just say that as much as we encourage our children to speak out and express themselves, there are times when they have to put up and shut up. And as my daughter found out very early on, they don’t make left-handed cellos!