Act like your child and ask them the ‘5-Whys’

Not too long ago, your daughter had innumerable questions about the nature of things. Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why does it rain? Why do I have to do this? Why, why, why, why, why. For the most part, your 7 year-old possesses a tremendous ability to process information and can figure out some of these answers for themselves. Other questions have been sufficiently answered to their satisfaction and for the most part, the conversations with them are generally dynamic and logical. But they still lack the ability to correlate multiple elements and map all the intricate relationships to anticipate potential outcomes. And of course, the absence of emotional maturity to understand complex situations that may or may not have permanence is the reason why sometimes, some of the simplest things can bring them to tears. It’s easy for us to dismiss the dire reactions of our children to seemingly modest causes. But this is where it might be helpful for us to regress and ask them repeated why questions to gain insights.

Management science teaches us that a useful problem solving tool called the 5-Whys is used in lean management and six sigma approaches to investigate root cause analysis. In fact, it is no different than what children do naturally. Asking why questions accelerates the process of getting to the core of a problem or issue. It’s like peeling away layers of an onion.

Asking why questions accelerates the process of getting to the core of a problem or issue. It’s like peeling away layers of an onion. I didn’t even have to ask a fifth why and I have already so much insight into my daughter’s thoughts on the matter.

On a drive home from one of her friend’s birthday party, my daughter suddenly cried out that she had forgotten her craft she had made at the party and started to cry! I was alarmed and confused at such a strong reaction to a superficially insignificant lapse. “What’s the big deal?” I thought.

Why are you crying?
Because I made something special and forgot to bring it home.

Why was it special?
Because it was a doggie made of felt cut-outs.

Why did you make a dog?
Because I really want a doggie.

Why does it mean so much to you?
Because you said I can’t have a doggie until I get older and I wanted to show you I’m older.

This was an actual conversation! I didn’t even have to ask a fifth why and I have already so much insight into my daughter’s thoughts on the matter. She has been bugging me to get her a dog, but I had no idea that she wanted one so badly!  I grew up with a dog and understand a child’s desire for responsibility, companionship and to demonstrate that to a parent. Although it doesn’t immediately change my mind about the topic, at least I won’t be casually dismissive the next time she brings up to topic. We’ll have a serious discussion and put some parameters in place for this decision.  It wasn’t a no; just a not now.  A few why questions and I received a world of answers, including the name of this imaginary doggie: Friday.

Why would you name a dog after a weekday?
Because everybody loves Friday, daddy.