Why your ex-wife hates you
Til death do us part is a loving and literal declaration in most wedding vows which takes on new meaning when existential reality hits like mounting mortgage and alimony payments. Even amicable divorcees are known to fight over petty possessions. You may have a Pre-nuptial Agreement which is like an insurance policy, but will scrutinize the small print when shit happens. And it really will hit the fan when children are involved, so focus on the Separation Agreement instead. A Divorce Certificate will rescind or terminate previous arrangements, but it is the Separation Agreement that will restructure economic obligations and the only document that matters when it comes to the children of divorce.
I am certain that there are amicable divorces leaving children in happy blissful situations; I just don’t know of any. From my dialog with many divorced fathers and my own personal experiences, I have discovered that even virtuous relationships can turn ugly. So, it may be helpful for divorced fathers who are experiencing these situations to understand the sources of the ex’s animosity. And more importantly, why there’s nothing they can (or should) do about it.
Just like her happiness was never your responsibility during marriage, her unhappiness now is even less your problem.
Grievances. Either real or imagined, your ex-wife may have expectations that were not met by you. In her mind, she gave you her ‘best years’ and so she’s owed a pound of flesh. On the flip side, you also gave her yours. If her biggest irritation was you during the tail-end of the marriage, then separation would have amply addressed this. But physical distances won’t make her feel any better so her grievances lie elsewhere and not really your concern anymore.
Ego. Even when you are right, you are wrong. The concept of the Karen meme is appropriate as the attitude speaks of an indignant righteousness. When a person needs to be right all the time, it speaks to the fragility of their own self-image. You were never responsible for her happiness in the first place, so why take on this responsibility now?
Exclusion. For most divorced dads I know, they have cleaned up well and sunk their energies into raising their child(ren). For me, I have tried to become the best man I can be because it matters not just to me, but so much to her. My daughter often tells her mom of trips we’ve taken or things we’ve done and experiences we’ve had. It could be as simple and ordinary as going to see the Christmas tree light up at City Hall, but because your ex-wife is excluded from this happiness together, the resentment echoes loudly and her minimization of your experience is resounding.
Money. Depending on your jurisdiction, legislation would have divided all shared assets acquired during the divorce in half. Fair is fair and the court saw to that. If there is resentment on a disparity of income, alimony (if any) would address this too. But more often than not, I know ex-husbands who live disproportionately lower lifestyles because of crushing support payments to their ex. In most cases, it’s not about how much money she gets, it’s all about the money she doesn’t want you to have.
You’ve moved on. This is the part that is most difficult for ex-lovers to accept: they have been replaced. It is even sourer to her that this person integrates well with you and your daughter’s existing life. For your ex, it is not about her moving on; it’s about you moving forward that bothers her more.
At the end of the day, your focus is yourself and your daughter. Life is already busy and your ex throwing everything unsavory at you is just another challenge to move through. If you can’t make lemonade with her pitched dried fruits, make candied lemon peels instead! Don’t be swayed by her stonewalling, treachery and attention-seeking dramas. When your ex sees that she’s unsuccessful at pulling you away from your happiness she will get angrier still. And when she sees you are unmoved by setbacks and recover quickly without complaint, it will enrage her even more. You not reacting is simply a state of your mind: you’ve moved on. She hating you means she hasn’t. Just like her happiness was never your responsibility during marriage, her unhappiness now is even less your problem.
