Dealing with other parents’ appalling kids
My advice to my daughter when she’s out is to play nicely, share, don’t let the small stuff get to her and if she doesn’t like something, to say so. For the most part, she gets along fine with her friends and has a tight circle of girls that she hangs with. But it doesn’t mean it is all rosy all the time. There are issues with popularity, cliques, including stupid friends! But at the end of the day, these problems are all generally manageable by my daughter until she discovered that sometimes, the problem with some kids isn’t a social difference but a personal difference that makes playing impossible.
Kids come in all shapes and sizes. Some are smaller and need to be more vocal in order to be heard. Some are big and don’t know their own strength. As kids learn first to socialize at home, it is easy to guess that if they are polite, cordial and warm, the home environment is expected to be the same. If kids come off brash, uncompromising and maybe even condescending, perhaps they have modeled that behavior after their caregivers and adapted it for their own survival. Whether it’s the behavior that’s appalling or the children themselves, it’s tough to tell. While you have much influence in how your own children are raised, you cannot affect other parents’ kids. Short of being watchful for anything suggestive or suspicious, there’s nothing you can do and your child will either have to deal with these kids or stop being around them. But there are times that this is impossible. Being in the same neighborhood or having the same activities make complete isolation impractical. So, if you child is in the presence of one or more of these menacing delinquents who continue to be a terror to your daughter, here are some thoughts to ponder when dealing with other parents’ rotten apples.
If some kid you feel is consuming more oxygen then necessary, don’t feel guilty about your feelings. It’s definitely not you and it’s seriously them! These aren’t your kids, it’s not your problem and it’s not your job to discipline them. Just remember that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree so don’t engage the thug parents either.
First of all, it’s okay to hate other people’s children. While, hate might be a strong word, there are a few evil ones I have met along the way whom I think should not have been born. Then there are kids that run roughshod over their parents. They do it to themselves; a friend of mine and his wife are deathly afraid of “saying no” to their now 11 year-old daughter for fear of damaging the kid’s self-esteem. My daughter knows her and her opinion of this kid is even lower than mine. The kid is another narcissist in training. Other parents who are familiar with this situation just roll their eyes with callous indifference. If there is a kid in your life you feel is consuming more oxygen then necessary, don’t feel guilty about your feelings. It’s definitely not you and it’s seriously them!
Second, don’t let them smell your hesitation. Loud, pushy, and cursing kids are annoying, abrasive and can be a moral hazard. I get that sometimes kids play roughly and most are not aware of their surroundings. For the most part, if they have accidentally and obviously infringed upon you, 9 times out of 10, even unruly kids will apologize on their own volition; pissing you off really was never their intention. It’s the band of troublemakers in larger numbers that form roaming gangs that you need to watch out for. These almost teenagers without the maturity will not think twice about dismissing you like they do their parents. And just like in warfare, be careful of your target and do not engage alone. Tell the facilities manager or a security guard. If it’s an unsupervised area, I once called out to a group of thugs and said quite loudly, “You big kids are going to hurt the little ones if you continue doing that.” Almost immediately, the parents of the little kids took notice and move in for support. The parents of those thugs put their phone down long enough to flanked the group. These aren’t my kids, it’s not my problem and it’s not my job to discipline them. Just remember that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree so don’t engage the thug parents either.
The third coping mechanism I deploy when my daughter and I are bothered enough to a point where even my nonchalant indifference to their existence becomes ruffled is to leave the area. Today’s society is filled with division and injustice. Add on a pandemic and even a simple request to wear a face mask can spark violence in adults. Kids learn by imitation and without the maturity and experience, they will act on their emotions and may become unpredictable. Nothing is so important that it is worth getting upset for something you have no control over in the first place. Take the high road and leave. Our society needs to turn down the temperature and deescalate. This is good personal advice, also. There’s no victory in putting a child in his place and no lesson is learnt by the unwilling. Unless you’re a hearty altruist, right now your only business is you and yours.
