Ancient father and son conflicts tend to be one of usurpation and epic violence. Oedipus killed his father to marry his mother in one of the most famous Greek mythologies. Even Zeus overthrew his father Cronus and appropriated control over his brothers Poseidon and Hades. I recall my own conflict with my father. Back in the days when corporal punishment was a thing, many of us lived in fear of getting smacked and wacked. While it didn’t happen often, it happened enough to me. By the time I was 14, I was taller and stronger than my old man. He picked what would be his last fight and thought he could still lay his hand on me. It took a lot for me to upend filial piety and ended my father’s dominion in an anticlimactic titanomachy. He never came near me again.

Mother and daughter conflicts are also timeless epics and occur even in contemporary times. But female conflicts tend to be less physical and more psychological, in nature. In fact, between my daughter and her mom, I’d lay bets that it’s my ex-wife who will be left reeling.

My daughter and I have our battles too, but comparatively, it’s nothing like the war she has with her mother. Ours is often about expectations. About boundaries. And autonomy. The first is something I establish; the last is something she gradually takes on. The rest is a tug of war which I know I will eventually lose. But we have forward movement and she sees a journey where she completely take over her own life as she emerges from adolescence to young adulthood and finally full independence.

Her mother, on the other hand, from my observation has drawn our daughter into a protracted war on three fronts that can’t end well or soon. My ex is fighting a proxy war with me over custody and support. She has a power struggle with our daughter who is often and still treated like a child. And third, probably the most unwinnable war of all, she struggles with her own family and how it impacts her role as a matriarch herself.

 

Personal reckonings are part and parcel of growing up. It is the breaking of cocoons. It is growth. It is inevitable. And it is natural.

 

The latter has little to do with us. And as our daughter grows up, custody will eventually become a non-issue. So this leaves us with our daughter’s struggle with her mom’s parenting. I am careful not to get involved and don’t force the situation in a contrived way. I will steadfastly support my daughter to make good decisions and I know that eventually, even this fight is irrelevant as she sails the winds of the unstoppable force of youth.

Watching these struggles unfold is like watching flood waters rise. You know it’s coming, but you don’t know how severe it will be and what will be left after it recedes. It’s never a joy and the only thing I care about is supporting my daughter in whatever state she shows up at my door. But I am comforted by three thoughts. First, only-children of strong-will push boundaries and challenge their parents. My daughter is certainly not going to grow up as a permission seeking, instruction receiving adult and I am glad she is holding her own, even at the age of 13. Second, it will get worse before it gets better. That means however bad things may seem, it is not the end. Only age can see the wisdom in this. My daughter is in her last year of middle school. There are four years of high school left before she leaves for college or university. Conflicts will either end or transform into unresolved neuroses—hopefully minor. And third, these personal reckonings are part and parcel of growing up. It is the breaking of cocoons. It is growth. It is inevitable. And it is natural.

Our mythical heroes and heroines clashed with titans and laid waste their nemesis and demons to overcome challenges. Even Athena had a tortuous beginning to emerge as the goddess known for wisdom and warfare. What’s important isn’t the struggle, but that struggles exist. Only through this, can the self emerge. While these wars are always unique, they are not uncommon. And however alone she may feel in her struggles, she knows that I will go to battle with her in whatever war she fights and ends.