Why you matter so much to her

I grew up as the youngest child in the family. I had hand-me-down clothes, hand-me-down toys and even hand-me-down lunches! There was a lot of hustle and bustle in our family resulting in mix bags of memories that are mostly good. But unfortunately, I never really had any memories of my dad and I doing much together. Maybe by the time I came along, he had run out of steam and didn’t have much time to spend with me. But as my siblings also recall, they never had much time with him either.

One of the most unforgettable moments I had with my father was his absence at a school play I was in. I was in Grade 3 and I reminded him every day as the performance neared. I wrote the date and time on a piece of paper and stuck it to the fridge door. He said he would come and watch. He didn’t. I came home only to find him sleeping on the couch. The moment was unforgettable because decades later, I still cannot forget the hurt I felt for his no-show.

I grew up longing for some connection which eventually grew unimportant. I don’t lament the old days nor would I fault anyone. We all made choices and everyone did their best with what they had, including me. I’d buried him many years ago and while I may have shed a few tears that day at the permanence of the loss, what struck me wasn’t how much I’d lost out on, but how much my own father had missed out on. The yardstick I had inherited from my father was lacking; I threw it out and refashioned a new one based on what I felt were appropriate for who I wanted to be as a man. Looking at him as a father, I could either turn out exactly like him or the complete opposite. That was a no-brainer.

For girls, their father is the first man in her life that she will use as a template to measure all other men. From this point of view, dads have a very unique and irreplaceable role in their daughter’s life. If we do nothing else, we should do this one thing well.

Boys with absent or stoic fathers may turn out just fine; they have other role models. But girls with absent fathers may have completely different outcomes that will impact them in ways not manifest for years to come. For girls, their father is the first man in her life that she will use as a template to measure all other men. From this point of view, dads have a very unique and irreplaceable role in their daughter’s life. If we do nothing else, we should do this one thing well. Studies have shown that fathers heavily influence the choices daughters make when it comes to men – be it physical, intellectual or emotional. Women may be drawn to what is familiar to them when they were girls. That’s probably a good thing for her because I turned out to be exactly the opposite of my own dad. After all these blog entries, I cannot imagine myself to be a distant, authoritative, judgmental man who will disappear after layering criticism—especially on a child.

I do these things not just because I have a daughter, but because I strive to be this kind of a man for myself. After all, she is not the only female in my life since 50% of the people I know are a different gender. But because I have a daughter, how I behave as a man is especially important. When I was a child, I looked at my dad and I said I wanted more. I deserved more. And I needed more. It took me a long time to get over him. One day, I hope my daughter looks at me when I’m old and ripe and tells me that I’ve done okay knowing that I’ve given her a good starting point; she can build her monument on my humble mound. And it is my hope that she grows up never being afraid to ask for what she wants. Never lack the confidence to ask for what she deserves. And never be silent about asking for what she needs.