Your business is my business, but my business is still my business
Dads have a very unique role in their daughter’s life. Not only is he the literal father figure, but he is also a coach, champion, cheerleader, team player, judge and jury all at the same time. He also has the fidelity to fine tune his influence from the softness of a feather to the gravitas of a heavy hand. It’s his ability to vacillate between the extremes that make him so versatile.
The roles I have with my daughter are mostly coach and cheerleader. Occasionally, I am the enforcer. But on the whole, our relationship is very uneventful and we know each other’s boundaries quite well as she knows I am not her peer. As much as I allow a significant amount of latitude, there are three areas where even angels fear to tread.
Her safety. As incredulous as it sounds, my daughter’s mother sent a taxi to pick her up from school during the second grade when she couldn’t make the trip for pick up. Rather than asking me to do it, she opted to dispatch a hired car to shuttle a 7 year-old. I only knew this when my daughter told me and needless to say, I went nuclear. I involved the school principal, the taxi company and court which ordered the ex-wife not to attempt it again. Because of my ex’s incredibly reckless behavior, my daughter’s safety will forever be my business not just when she’s with me, but especially when she’s with her!
It’s not so much what you do that I am concerned. It is to make sure you get to make reasonable decisions to do those things that I am profoundly interested.
Her self-determination. Most kids have one or two activities they are enrolled. I’ve written enough about my daughter’s passion in swimming and cello. At the age of 11, she’s already had 7+ years of lessons in each of aquatics and music. Her involvements are no longer casual, interest-only endeavors but an integral member of a swim team and orchestra. As these activities span custody schedules and my daughter’s mother does not take it as seriously as our daughter, she misses key lessons and practices. I made it my business to go back to court to have an order imposed on the ex to ensure she brings our daughter to all her activities, not just when her mother felt like it. Because of my ex’s indifference, my daughter’s autonomy became my business.
Her choice. Then one day, my daughter asked me why I am so interested in what she does. I responded by saying, “It’s not so much what you do that I am concerned. It is to make sure you get to make reasonable decisions to do those things that I am profoundly interested.” She stared at me looking for more. “Your days are pretty much lock down with school, homework and good grades. You eat well, you rest well and you help out around the house. Overall, you’re a good kid who keeps busy. Stands to reason that you should have opportunities and choice about your pursuits in your spare time once you’ve done everything else. And when this part of your growing up is interfered with, it becomes my business.”
How come your business isn’t my business, daddy? “Tell you what, if I make a decision that doesn’t work for us, then you tell me and we can make it our business.” She pondered that for a bit and ran off. I know that part of her is scheming on how to catch her old man in a gaffe. And when that day comes, I would not reprimand her for trickery. I would commend her as she takes another step to look after her own and eventually all our businesses. From this perspective, the ex has done us a solid.
