Bullied, bothered and beguiled
When my daughter entered a new school in Grade 2, she had to rebuild all of her social network. Albeit, she was 7 years-old and her old friendships were only nascent at best. But amazingly, she still remains friends with a few from the old school; and I with their parents. Being a relatively well-balanced child, she adapted quickly and fitted in quite well within days of starting a new class. Then she discovered a bully–or more precisely–a bully discovered her. We dealt with it not in one conversation, but many over a period of months and my daughter emerged relatively unscathed. She learned a lot in the process and became more confident. The dynamics of friendships and cliques never goes away and generally remain confined to the female gender. Then one day, my daughter came home and told me that a boy was bullying her.
I took an immediate interest and wanted to hear more about this boy. She said that Johnny (obviously not his real name) “took my pencil out of my pencil case and threw it across the room.” Then what did you do? “I told him not to be a jerk and to go pick it up!” Sounds like you were angry. Did he pick it up? “Yes he did.” And then? “He tried again and I told him to go away.” Did he? “Yeah, he went off with his friends. Then he saw me playing on the monkey bars.” There’s more? “Johnny and his friends were playing next to us, watching us.” How long did that last? “Until the bell rang. Then he stood next to me at line up and starting mimicking me.” I didn’t need to hear anymore, and said to my daughter, I think he fancies you. “What?” He likes you! “Eww!”
The reason why I wasn’t too concerned about it is because I know the kid’s parents. In fact, I’ve gone out drinking with the man. Nice dad. Harmless kid. The other reason why I wasn’t too concern about it being a bullying issue is because children at this age generally associate along gender lines. They’ll play with each other, but girls still think boys are disgusting fart machines. Their attention seeking antics just confirms this for the girls. The final reason why I wasn’t concern about Johnny ‘bullying’ my daughter was because he simply wasn’t.
There are a lot of telltale signs when a boy fancies a girl. But despite the man’s best in show performance, there will be some subtle nervousness that can be picked up by her visually: general nervousness, clumsiness, lump in the throat and other awkwardly delivered compliments. This game starts early and never gets old!
As a prelude to prepare my daughter for this, I have to draw on my own experience to examine how I and my wingmen in tow would behave if I wanted to get to know a woman. Body language is key: eye contact, casual touching of the arm or waist and lowering of my voice to a slower and deeper octave are essential attention grabbing antics. What follows in the encounter is the universal tool of disarmament: the smile. Follow closely with paying compliments, mirroring actions, standing close or leaning in while maintaining an alpha male posture (chest out, stomach in). All are telltale signs a man fancies a woman. But despite the man’s best in show performance, there will be some subtle nervousness that can be picked up by her visually: general nervousness like hand placements and footsteps, clumsiness, lump in the throat and other awkwardly delivered compliments. The wingmen may serve to block potential suitors so that the couple would court undisturbed. And during a conversation, he may even play hard to get and ignore her so he can sample the woman’s attempts to get his attention either by repeating her voice or touching to get his attention, all the while he is lapping it up for seconds and thirds. This game never gets old! Anyway.
All of Johnny’s antics had to do with attention seeking behavior. In other words, Johnny grabbed a pencil, not her arm. He tossed the pencil, not her. Johnny went to pick up the pencil, seeking immediate compliance and recognition. Johnny mustering up his courage, (with his buddies in tow) to look for my daughter to hustle up some mischief. He was probably discouraged when he saw my daughter playing with her girlfriends and without a pickup line or a strategy to engage in conversation, the schoolboys just kept their distance and kicked sand at each other. And when the girls left for lineup at the bell, Johnny just followed as if under a love spell. For the most part, my daughter just let him be and didn’t chastise or do anything to embarrass him. Just as much as Johnny is getting a lesson in male/female courting, my daughter is also an unsuspecting actor in this life long game. This is truly puppy love. At this age, I’m mildly amused by the affection boys are showing my daughter. No doubt, I will ratchet up my defenses as my daughter ages. For now, she is just getting a healthy dose of attention in that schoolyard.