There is a litany of literature that speaks of the pitfalls and the psychological anxieties that parents introduce when they compare their child to others. It’s useful to recap, especially during heightened travel season when we take ourselves and our children to new locales meeting new people. Firstly, comparing your child to her siblings, cousins, schoolmates or other kids you just met like apples and oranges tells her that she is not good enough (for you). Secondly, it tells her that she needs to live up to some expectation (set by you). Thirdly and definitely not lastly, it speaks poorly of you as a parent as you try to live vicariously to address your own inadequacies and failures. But I’m here to tell you why that sometimes, it is actually beneficial for me to compare my daughter against her peers.
I stay close to my daughter’s schoolwork and help her when she needs it. She’s in a rather advance program and falling behind can lead to a cascade of catch up. So, when the report card came home, we actually sat down together to review the grade she received vis-à-vis the median for the class. She’s doing well, but she feels that she can do better and the comparative helps her gauge where and how in relation to everyone else. She was surprised in a few subjects where she felt she didn’t achieve as high. Having this data and the commentary from the teacher gives her insight. For example, minor errors like spelling and punctuation can be just as impactful as handing in a late assignment. She discovered that someone who consistently gets good grades also have fewer red marks on homework and assignments from the teacher.
The equality that we should seek, is the access to opportunities. It should never be to seek sameness by shunning the difference. It is in this difference that we can all flourish in diversity.
When it comes to comparing herself in elective activities like her swimming, my daughter is laser focused. The entire preoccupation for competitive swim is shaving off fractional seconds from your last best time. While a personal best is simply that, in order to be selected for advance competition, swimmers must meet thresholds to qualify. When the heat sheets are published, she pours over those to compare herself and her friends. She analyzes where she can make improvements in individual strokes or relays in short and long courses. She knows exactly where to seek coaching and observing others’ best allows my daughter to self-improve.
It is from this perspective of benchmarking that is most useful for my daughter. The comparison isn’t judgement on whether she is good or not; she is inherently good already. The comparison is a way of discovering how to tweak performance for achieving something. It is a canvassing of not only what can improve, but what is possible. Comparison is an exceptionally valuable tool that individual performers, whether in athletics or scholastics, can identify gaps to make meaningful and tracked advances. In a competitive setting, this type of assessment allows each individual to develop a specific aspect that collectively benefits the whole team.
Be wary of individuals and institutions that do not give grades or whitewash individual strengths in the name of equality and appeasement. Every child has gifts and teaching to the middle will not bring out anybody’s best. The equality that we should seek, is the access to opportunities. It should never be to seek sameness by shunning the difference. It is in this difference that we can all flourish in diversity.
