“If you let people treat you like shit, you probably deserve to be treated like shit.”

Jung said “Whenever…[a] husband spoke to his wife there was always a little melancholy note in his voice, as though he were not quite free; as though he were a boy talking to an older woman.” This statement was spoken by Swiss psychologist Carl Jung over one hundred years ago. If the underlying issues are prolonged, then the egalitarian relationship where neither spouse is superior becomes unattainable. Struggles, conflict and even violence may ensue. Seems not much has changed.

News of a friend who died was trickling through the grapevine and I received a call from another old friend I hadn’t spoken to for over a decade. We reacted in shock and then asked how each other was and inquired about our respective families. It didn’t feel awkward or contrived; we picked up where we left off and it was nice to reconnect. Then I heard his wife screaming in the background telling him to get off the phone. He yelled back saying he was talking to me (she knows who I am; we attended each other’s wedding). She was loud enough I can hear her dismissing her husband to go talk on his own time. I judged silently at the lack of compassion. I felt her resentment. Her anger. It felt like a flashback to a scene from my own marriage; nothing worse than being in purgatory. I knew my friend well enough to be truthful. And since we hadn’t spoken in so long, it mattered less how he took my next words, “If you let her treat you like shit, then you probably deserve to be treated like shit.” I told him he could call me whenever he wanted. He didn’t. Weeks later, we saw each other at the funeral. We haven’t spoken since.

I’m not sure what’s happened in the last generation(s), but media likes to portray men as dull, dim-witted, permission-seeking, know-nothings. A time before that, women were unfairly portrayed as homebodies and incapable of making decisions. How will men and women be portrayed when my daughter grows up? The wild swings of this pendulum haven’t calmed and true equality is still elusive. I have many guy friends (almost always married) who behave this way. I don’t get it. Why do some men who are brazen and bold at work, only to cower and be muted at home? I am guessing at three possible reasons. But all will end the same way.

I have many guy friends (almost always married) who are brazen and bold at work, only to cower and be muted at home. I think this is a betrayal to themselves and I don’t get it. I am guessing at three possible reasons. But all will end the same way.

Could it be the sex? Although that conversation with my old friend may be extreme, it is certainly not an exception. Could he have been keeping the peace only to have window shattering sex with his wife later? Hmmm. More often than not, my friends complain that sex is lackluster even if and when they get it. What’s the motivation for pacifying the partner? Perhaps there’s an affair and the sex is worth enduring the strife at home, which is just a front anyway.

They think staying together is better for the kid. Children will remember and thank you later when you stand up for them. It teaches them conviction, fairness and loyalty. Some of these lessons can only be learned by example. But when a child sees that one parent surrenders and concedes defeat because the issue is either too minimal or they do so to keep the peace, the child senses the covert hostility and wonders how that parent can stand up for them when they can’t even stand up for themselves. Kids are resilient, but they are not insensitive. Eventually, the child will disrespect you.

Can it be the long game? Some men plan far into the future. Things will be different when the stress of raising children is no longer the daily struggle. The two people will become a couple again and can focus on each other. But studies have found this not to be entirely true. In fact, empty nesters are at a higher risk for divorce. Some men may feel that their duty is done and they finally owe it to themselves to seek new social connections. Others may feel the need to heal after the heavy toll of parenting and turn inwards. Men may feel they need to endure silently until this juncture.

Whatever the reasons, one’s happiness cannot be postponed; this is a betrayal to oneself. If a phase in life isn’t working out, change the approach. Staying until it is over does not make you stoic; it makes you bitter and hateful. The daily tally of praises and criticism should be a barometer of relationship health. Praises eventually become gratifying and renewing. Criticism eventually becomes vilifying and self-fulfilling. You made the life choice when you chose to be with your spouse. Rediscover those reasons since debasing the other does not elevate you. Neither might equality. Seek instead complementary; be the yang to her yin. Or be free and set her free at the same time.