A few times, my daughter’s friends would ask, WTH, who raised you? To which my daughter would respond, “I was a raised by a guy.” They burst out laughing as some of her friends have met me and they instantly know the reason for her demeanor.

It could be something as practical as, “Hey, my dad buys me alcohol for the party.” He does? So, he knows you drink? “Of course! He lets me use his frat house mickey, so I can measure the amount of vodka to bring to the party and he buys it for me so he knows the source is safe.” There were just too many questions about the purchase, the flask and the frat house reference for her friends to take in. They resigned and collectively confirmed that it explains a lot.

Another time, friends asked my daughter if I knew she was dating “Of course! He even invited the boyfriend for dinner.” How did that go? “They did all the talking and I just sat there.” Must have been weird. “Not really, you have to know my dad. I tell him stuff and we talk about things. If I don’t tell him, he’ll find out and then we’ll have a different kind discussion that I don’t want to have.” How long have you been going out with your boyfriend? “A year now.” Wow, what if you guys break up? Would your dad be happy? “My dad says if my boyfriend breaks my heart, he’ll break something of his.” The friends just deadpan looked at my daughter not knowing whether it was literal or not.

I’d rather know and then help my daughter make good decision including course corrections than not know and then having to unwind a series of more difficult decisions.

The fact of the matter is that I don’t like to deal with bullshit in life. I’ve adopted the same approach in childrearing. I’d rather know and then help my daughter make good decision including course corrections than not know and then having to unwind a series of more difficult decisions. And of course, depending on some of these decisions, course correction can be more difficult. I also recognize that as my daughter grows older, her decisions are bigger and more important and so I want to stay close to her adult life. I find great comfort that she still asks for my counsel as a teenager.

There are areas I give my daughter a lot of latitude and others where I have firm boundaries. But it’s important to note that the boundaries set out are not tools of control, but rather guardrails for safety. These get adjusted over time, mostly on her initiative and her timing.

I know that as her father, I am the yardstick from which she will measure all other men. So, it’s especially important for her that I impart my experiences having grown up in an era of clearly defined and sometimes toxic masculinity. Given all this, I am more likely to raise an upfront, pragmatic and no-nonsense girl who can spot deceit and bullshit from miles away.