One of the first words that comes out of new parents’ mouth is, ‘No!’. And the typical response is a scream, a tantrum and maybe a bit of throw up. Over the years, the reasons for our no’s have changed from keeping our children from danger to appeasement to resignation!  You’d think that our children have learn our ways to completely dismiss the word as an affront to independence. But no! Our children are too smart. They know the context of the word and know the difference between a simple no, a grudging no and an acquiescent no.

Being a competitive swimmer, my daughter’s training schedule is vigorous. On Saturday mornings, her long swim is a 5K. I’d drown if I have to swim a tenth of that distance. But for her, it’s relaxing. However, the demands of the sport, regional meets and abbreviated recovery times caused my daughter to develop tendonitis that took her 7 months to heal. And even after physiotherapy, it took months to warm back up to her old performance self.

Then a new competition season started and suddenly, the warmups and mock meets turn real. Her coach put her in the 200m. Didn’t matter whether it was 200 free or back or (worst) fly, her shoulder wasn’t ready for that type of endurance yet. My daughter felt uncomfortable about the expectation as she felt she wasn’t ready and don’t want to risk reinjury.

She was scared and she became less enthusiastic about her swim practice and eventually, the anxiety caught up to her. “Why didn’t you say so before? And why tell me only a week before the meet? You also need to tell your coach.” I urged her. I didn’t want you to be disappointed after spending all the time and money on rehab only to back out of swimming. And I didn’t want to disappoint the coach.

At first, she felt guilty for backing down. She felt ashamed for admitting defeat. And she felt ungrateful for wasting money. After our talk, she had an empowering feeling that she didn’t expect.

“I don’t think your coach fully appreciates your recovery needs because he is not the one who suffered the tendonitis.” I know but didn’t want to put my training back by not swimming the heats. And the fees have already been paid and to scratch from the race now has a penalty. “We spent much more money on physio than the $50 scratch fee. If you swim before you feel you are, you could reinjure yourself and set yourself further back. That would cost even more money.” I thought you’d be upset if I didn’t swim those events. “You swim against yourself to best your own times. You do it because you want to. You can still swim the 50’s and even 100’s. But leave the 200’s for another race on another day. It’s okay to say no. I think you want to say no. In fact, you need to say no.”

The interaction with her left an empowering feeling that she didn’t expect. At first, she felt guilty for backing down. She felt ashamed for admitting defeat. And she felt ungrateful for wasting money. But armed with this talk, she approached her coach. She had expected his opposition. Instead, his reaction was the complete opposite. The coach admitted that he originally thought my daughter might accept the 200m as a stretch goal and was surprised when she didn’t challenge it. But after hearing my daughter’s genuine opinion on her own recovery and current physical ability, he became supportive and recast all her events to only 50m to build up her strength and confidence. That made her happy. Since she swam, no penalty was paid, which made me happy.

For my daughter, the word no may be one of the first she’s ever learned. And as she gets older, she appreciates that a no, can sometimes mean not now yet still retaining the power to turn that into a yes. It’s a word she’ll always keep and she’s beginning to understand its influence and power.