Mathematics tell us that the moment you introduce a negative number into an equation, the resulting product will always be negative. But two negatives do make it positive. Does that work in real life? We often see parents doing the right things for the wrong reasons and their kids either react negatively or resent it all together. But doing the right things for the right reasons won’t always guarantee a positive outcome, either. So, are there situations in which doing wrong will yield a positive outcome? Hmmmm. Life is not a math equation.
As all of my daughter’s peers are underage, those who experiment with weed or other pharmaceuticals on a more than irregular basis struggle to find a supplier. My daughter told me that she knows a dealer. Alarmed, I was assured that she never buys and she only knew this dealer as an acquaintance of a friend who does. She was going to name drop. I said to my daughter, you may intend well, but referring a drug dealer who can make a safe and steady supply doesn’t guarantee it’s going to be safe for your friends. Or you.
The same rationale applied when her friends found out that I bought alcohol for my daughter. I knew she was going to a friend’s house party and there would be drinking. I also know that at this age, they will drink alcohol even if you forbid it. And if a parent forbids it, the behavior only goes underground; it doesn’t curb their consumption. So, I purchased a bottle of vodka and a small flask. She can mix her own coolers at the party. In this way, I can ensure that the alcohol she does imbibe is not only sourced safely but the quantity is controlled. I was asked but refused to do the same for her friends. Just as I had explained to my daughter, I am not taking on the responsibility when people make these decisions that trace back to me as a complicit enabler, regardless of my intentions for their safety.
I am not taking on the responsibility when people make these decisions that trace back to me as a complicit enabler, regardless of my intentions for their safety.
On another party night, my daughter ran into an old, old friend from the daycare days. They went through kindergarten and the early grades together. They have had many playdates and even came over for dinner. But seeing this friend in this situation was an eye opener. This kid is the exact same age as my daughter but seemingly that’s where it all ends. She’s now into drinking, moderate use of drugs, skips schools and according to hearsay, doesn’t get along with the parents and will drop out of school when she reaches 16. “Do you still know her parents?” my daughter asked. Yes, the mom. “Will you say anything to her?” No. “Why not?” This was the same kid whose mom asked, ‘if I was making something else for dinner in case her child doesn’t like it’. The mom had no structure and never exerted parental authority. I’m not surprised the kid has turned out this way. “Yeah, I heard she’s still kind of like this.” I’m not her parent and it’s not my place to ‘right’ this.
Parental interference is rarely welcomed and it’s not as if I was close to the mother or will adopt this teenager and so my influence will be zero. There’s probably little that the parents haven’t already tried so who is anyone thinking that they can do better? I know that it takes a village to raise its children, but this mother didn’t involve the village. We can only guess what happened behind closed doors and at the end of the day, it’s none of our business. It’s sad, but true; especially when we think we know better.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Regardless of whether it’s paved with asphalt or yellow bricks full of wizardry, the destination is still the same.
