For the girls who don’t know my daughter well, she comes off like a standoffish bitch. From their perspectives, my daughter appears intolerant, impatient and quick to temper. Not only does she seem unapproachable, she seems downright rude. One day, one of them asked a really close friend of my daughter’s why she was so unfriendly. To this acquaintance’s surprise, she found some insight which began to change her judgement of my daughter.
My daughter believes in justice. Any put down of those who are disadvantage or do not have the ability to assert themselves in the face of bullying is quite distasteful to my daughter. Once, in Grade 9, she saw a girl who was brushed off by a flock of catty girls. Unsure of herself in a new school and obviously without many friends, this girl remained quiet and unreactive. This behavior is simply more fuel for more intimidation as bullies go for easy targets. My daughter knew some of the butches in this crowd and made an off-hand remark which scattered the flock. The lone girl was appreciative and even shared that she had originally thought that my daughter was part of the troupe. To which my daughter responded that she hangs with one or two girls individually but not the collective. Since that day, these two have become friends.
You can’t judge a book by its cover. And in the case of teenage girls, you shouldn’t assume based on outer appearance and demeaner. Even I have found some of my daughter’s friends to be terse, abrupt or avoidant. Maybe even aloof.
My daughter is a thinker. When my daughter is faced with a situation where contemplation is required, she weighs the pros and cons and like a chess game, she runs through the possible permutations. Such consideration takes time. And to the outside observer who cannot see the hamster wheel spinning in her head, they simply assume that my daughter was otherwise disinterested to the point that her resting bitch face (RBF) comes across as disgust and apathy.
My daughter has standards. It’s not to say that she stands there judging people as a matter of course. She has standards for herself that she adheres to. It could be the simple discipline of swimming several times a week and she eats healthy and avoid inhalants. She won’t judge her friends who are vapers or smokers, but she just know that this isn’t for her as it would destroy her lung capacity and her competitive edge in swimming. She will neither impose her standards on others, nor will she blindly follow others. She does what works for her and sometimes, the action to stand firm and not follow makes her seem unsupportive and detached. She doesn’t have an opinion simply because it is not her business.
Overall, you can’t judge a book by its cover. And in the case of teenage girls, you shouldn’t assume based on outer appearance and demeaner. Even I have found some of my daughter’s friends to be terse, abrupt or avoidant. Maybe even aloof. They are initially avoidant as they don’t know what to say or how to act when I’m around. But as they come over to the house more often for study groups or TV watching, these girls are more familiar with their friend’s dad and begin to see me as a neutral person. They are still cautious and impassive. But inside, they are just regular decent kids trying to find their place.
