Up until now, I was very careful not to let worlds collide. I used to do all my philandering during the weeks my daughter was with her mom. I had gotten more discrete ever since the near collision course of rushing my date out one door while my daughter entered from another that time she got dropped off at my house earlier than expected. Since then and with increasing and now full custody, my daughter has seen, met and even socialized with some. There haven’t been many. But I also don’t hide their existence either.

One night, my guest came over for a home cooked dinner, we drank, eventually and serendipitously stayed for a nightcap after 2-bottles.  I wasn’t expecting my daughter to return from her mom’s at 8am the next morning. But a little knock on my bedroom door woke us up. My heart raced and all I can think of was that frantic scene in the movie, Four Weddings and a Funeral. But, worse. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!!!

I never lock doors. Years of openness taught her that a closed door was the same as a locked door. My date and daughter had already met before, so it wasn’t new. But the circumstances definitely were and I didn’t want it framed in this context.

We got dressed and came downstairs to make coffee. I was a bit surprised and embarrassed and unsure how the next few minutes would unfold. My daughter was fully 13 and understood that her dad has a personal life.  I started a normal conversation by stating the obvious, “How come you’re home so early? I wasn’t expecting you.” She was bored and just wanted to come home. “Anything you want to do today?” What followed was a natural conversation that didn’t feel contrived or awkward.

 

My heart raced and all I can think of was that frantic scene in the movie, Four Weddings and a Funeral. But, worse. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!!!

 

Initially, I was worried that I had exposed my daughter to something that she wasn’t ready for. But in reality, she was being exposed to something that perhaps I, me, the dad(!) wasn’t ready for. Even though I have been more and more open to her as she got older, I didn’t want her to use my behavior as a template. I also don’t want to instill a regime of double standards where I am allowed to have a friend sleep over and she is not. But she never interpreted it as such. Sharing a bed with a boy isn’t something she’s interested in (at least that’s what she tells me.) She gets the fact that sleepovers (with her girlfriends) are social and fun. But with a boy, she’s simply not interested in this level of intimacy. Because my daughter has been with me for the majority of the time, she does use my discriminating approach to friend selection as a template; I simply don’t have revolving door where people rotate into and out of my/our lives. Above all, this is the first time she’s actually seen daddy have a sleepover after all these years and she feels that this was unique and special. She knew I didn’t treat it casually. And that gave her a level of comfort.

What could have been an uneasy conversation about intimacy turned out to be compassionate and understanding. I’m immensely glad my daughter walked unexpectedly into the house like that. It opened up our relationship even more. For all three of us!