Between my request to have my daughter’s new, first, real boyfriend come over for dinner to when the dinner actually took place, many, many, many conversations took place between she and I, and she and he.

“Dad, are you serious?” Well, you’re serious enough to have a boyfriend. I’m serious about finding out who. “Are you going to chew him out and be mean to him?” Of course not. I want to meet him and see what kind of boy he is. “He’s a nice boy.” Let me make that decision for myself? “What are you going to say?” I’m going to have regular dinner conversations. “What if he doesn’t want to come over?” I’m sure you’re wrong; he’ll look forward to it. “What if he’s nervous?” I’m sure you’re right, but he’ll get over it. “Let me tell him…” my daughter continued. I cut her off and told her to invite him. This places the onus on me, the parent, as the initiator. And the sincerity to accept will be very telling, in itself. These are the things I want to know even before I meet him.

The next day, my daughter confirmed that her boyfriend, I’ll factiously call Julio, enthusiastically accepted without hesitation. He even inquired about the nature of the meal (dinner), on which day (Saturday) and time (7:30pm) and whether he should make something (not required), but if he’s cultured, his parents will teach him never to show up empty handed. This speaks of respect and a recognition of the work in planning the meal.

 

I told my daughter to invite him to dinner. This places the onus on me, the parent, as the initiator. And the sincerity to accept will be very telling, in itself. These are the things I want to know even before I meet him.

 

Julio showed up with homemade brownies! My daughter must have told him that I have a soft spot for such sweets. He’s obviously been informed that the path to good graces is through my stomach!

We spoke about many things and what I wanted to confirm about his character was accomplished in the first two minutes: his kindness (to my daughter) and his genuine openness (this tells me he is true to himself). The rest I learned over dinner. He is well read, has strong opinions (and can back it up) but willing to listen to other perspectives. He’s not just a book worm; has travelled; enjoys working with his hands and often cooks. He has a circle of tight guy friends and also not afraid to be alone with his own thoughts for long periods of time.

I was impressed not because I felt he is like I was when I was a hot rod blazing a trail to nowhere, but I genuinely felt that my daughter has found an equal who can hold his own. She is challenged by an intellect in both depth and logic. She didn’t feel she needed to dial down her own accomplishments because Julio also competes athletically. And given he’s open and honest, my daughter felt she could communicate with him without a lot of postering and filtering.

By the end of dinner, not only did I see who Julio is and how he interacts with my daughter, he also got some insight into my daughter’s personality and how her interactions with me have shaped who she is today. My daughter spoke little during the entire dinner. This is probably because she felt that the dinner wasn’t so much about me screening him, but really for Julio and me to get to know each other.

The next day, after my daughter had an après-dinner conversation with Julio. She told me that he really enjoyed dinner at our home. He said he was looking forward to more. If he’s important to my daughter, then he’s important to me, too.